Tag Archives: authenticity

52+: Interview with author and wellness expert Saeeda Hafiz

Kathleen WoodsIf you’ve been joining me here on 52Nudges for a while now, you know that I no longer believe in coincidences. Too often the right person has come into my life with the right message or opportunity at just the right time.

I met Saeeda Hafiz through a mutual friend at a networking event for writers. She had just received advance reader copies of her memoir, The Healing, and brought a few to share. She offered me one in exchange for an honest review, which you can read on Goodreads here.

It’s a glowing review. There is so much in her story of personal transformation that inspires me—from a child growing up with poverty and violence to an upwardly mobile African-American businesswoman to a wellness expert who healed herself through yoga, wholesome food, and meditation. I hope you’ll check out her book.

A few weeks ago I Nudged myself to interview an “expert”, and Saeeda was on my short list of candidates. I considered asking about her journey to published author, then—keeping in mind her hectic pre-release schedule—I instead reached out to Kelly, a life coach who specializes in helping women master the Law of Attraction. (Read that post here).

But Saeeda stayed on my mind. Lessons from her book stayed with me, including greeting each day with love in my heart, setting an intention for each day, and ending the day with gratitude. From her story, I knew she was someone who had worked diligently to find true peace within herself (what she refers to as “Tao Girl”), and I wanted to learn from someone who is an expert at transformation, someone who could model for me how to authentically transform my life.

We found a time to connect, and here’s what Saeeda and I talked about:

Kathleen: What was your motivation to change, to pursue your authenticity?

Saeeda: Initially my motivation was to settle into what it meant to be “middle class” and having a corporate job. I was asking, “What’s a good life?” Then it became, “If I ever have a family, I should learn to cook,” so I started taking cooking classes. I was thinking about sauces and fancy foods, then ended up learning about food as medicine. I liked what I was hearing, so I stayed and started learning about holistic health.

K: Did you feel a calling to reinvent yourself?

S: I had had a strange internal message that started in college: “You should get into yoga.” After graduating, I thought, “I’m going to join a health club and start working out.” I had a vision of going early in the morning with other businessmen, but I wasn’t going to join a club unless it had this thing called “yoga”.

Yoga, as well as following a healthy eating style, became my vocation. People were asking me, “What do you do? Do you teach yoga?” They approached me as an expert, and I started to think about how when we’re in balance with the seasons, we can perhaps prevent the dis-eases people experience. I found myself teaching, casually, and sharing meals with people.

K: You talk about “That Tao Girl” in your story, about how you learned to listen to your true inner self. Can you introduce her to me? Who is she to you?

S: As I imagined myself going into corporate work, I was “That Girl” [from the TV show starring Marlo Thomas, 1966-71], then I was “Black Girl.” Then, as I went deeper into the holistic health world, I learned about “Tao”, which means “the way,” which to me is about being honest with your specific way of life. I evolved from being this African-American corporate person into something bigger. It’s more about who I can be and who I am. I don’t have to put myself in a box.

K: What advice would you give to a woman who is looking to create changes in her life?

S: I would ask her, “How do you want to feel every day? What’s overwhelming you and your life?” Then “Let’s look at food and body movement that can help give you what you want to experience in life.” We are all equal, we’re all given this present moment. What are we going to do with it today?

K: In chapter 12, you stopped me in my tracks when you asked “What sustains you when all else fails?” It’s such a powerful question with profound repercussions. What is your answer to that question today?

S: It’s still the present moment that sustains me. It’s that sense of it’s important for me to know, based on where I am right now, that I can make a choice to improve this specific moment in my life. I’m not powerless. I know I can choose my reaction or how I’m going to feel about something. What I would add today is that it’s also about being able to act in the present moment out of a sense of love instead of fear.

K: How do you currently Nudge yourself?

S: By staying open to what I’m truly thinking and feeling, who I truly am. There’s an active nudge of wanting to open myself through a nudge, then there’s staying open through meditation and foods that don’t block my inspiration and energy for living a fuller life. Oftentimes, we’re in situations that suppress deep, internal nudges: “Don’t do this because you’re A or B!” But your true self says, “Do THIS! It’s why you’re here!” I want to make sure the mirror is not cloudy so it can reflect back who I truly am, so I can make sure I am doing what I came here to do in the world.

 

The Healing: One Woman’s Journey from Poverty to Inner Riches by Saeeda Hafiz was released on July 17 and is now available on Amazon and at bookstores, in paperback and ebook formats. Saeeda will be making personal appearances through August. For more information, visit thehealingbysaeeda.com or saeedahafiz.com.

Nudged: Wear the nice jewelry

Backstory: This one was recommended by a reader (you know who you are—thank you!), and aligns with the Nudges like “Use the good china/silver.” I think it’s about enjoying our treasures and treating ourselves with respect. I’m mean, shoot, if I’d given someone a really special necklace, I’d love to see her wearing it, right? So off I go. Let’s see what this Nudge has in store for us.

P.S. Not into jewelry? Think about what other nice things you have that you don’t enjoy often enough. Maybe this is the week you “splurge” on the fancy box of tea or chocolates. Maybe instead of slaving away in the kitchen every night this week (hello, martyr), you dig into that stash of emergency cash and take you and your loved one(s) out for a nice meal. The key word here is “nice”. What’s something nice you can do for yourself?

What Happened: Isn’t this a fabulous necklace? I bought it eight years ago to wear for my wedding, and although I ended up wearing a different ensemble on my big day, this pretty piece has graced my neck countless days since.

To quote Valerie (Carol Kane) in The Princess Bride, “Liar! Liar! Liaaaaaaaaaar!

Today was the first time EVER I have worn this necklace. After its initial rejection, it was placed in a velvet bag inside a special jewelry box, that was tucked into a bigger box, that was stuffed into the very back corner of my closet—for eight years! I completely forgot I owned it, or any of the other “special” pieces that shared its hideaway.

The day I wore it out this week, friends went mad for it. “You look fabulous! You should wear red more often! That necklace is gorgeous!”

I am completely beating myself up over this. Why have I denied myself the pleasure of wearing this for so long? What other treasures (and possible crap) is buried in the dumping ground that my closet has become?

Although I pulled out other bags and boxes, I didn’t adorn myself in forgotten jewels every day. Some are definitely special occasion and will have to wait. But I did wear a family ring I’d received as a college graduation gift, and I decided it is time to pass an heirloom necklace on to a niece. (It will look so pretty on her, and I plan to tell her it’s “lucky” because of its heritage.) I also pulled out a couple of other pieces that I’ve kept for sentimental reasons (a necklace sent as a thank you from a friend with whom I’ve lost touch) and others I’ve kept because they were expensive (including a fancy and clearly expensive pin that I’ve taken off every time I’ve put it on because it didn’t feel like “me”). Some I’ll re-gift, others I’ll donate. None appear to be worth trying to sell, but imagine if I’d found something like that. What’s hiding in your closet?

The Ah-Ha: Funny that this should come so soon after my Nudge to “Wander an expensive store, touch everything I want”, as it reinforced my Ah-Ha that I really don’t need to buy anything new for myself right now. I have plenty.

In pulling out the long-lost treasures, not only did I get a chance to clear out some things, but I rediscovered some that truly give me pleasure. Now that I can see them, I hope I will be more likely to remember to wear them. This Nudge was girly, and it was fun, and I felt good about myself.

And here’s the other part: Although I thought about wearing my finest jewels with my gym clothes, I didn’t. Every day I was inspired to dress the part. Not over-the-top New York socialite of a certain age (pu-lease), but nicely put together. Hair classically styled, shirt without a speck of balsamic vinaigrette, a pop of color in a jacket or sweater, clean pants (ie., no Louie paw prints on my butt), shoes that aren’t from Nike. I pulled myself together. I stood a little taller. I respected myself. And I am pretty sure I projected that to the outside world. Interesting how that happens.

 

Nudging: Wear the nice jewelry

Backstory: This one was recommended by a reader (you know who you are—thank you!), and aligns with the Nudges like “Use the good china/silver.” I think it’s about enjoying our treasures and treating ourselves with respect. I’m mean, shoot, if I’d given someone a really special necklace, I’d love to see her wearing it, right? So off I go. Let’s see what this Nudge has in store for us.

P.S. Not into jewelry? Think about what other nice things you have that you don’t enjoy often enough. Maybe this is the week you “splurge” on the fancy box of tea or chocolates. Maybe instead of slaving away in the kitchen every night this week (hello, martyr), you dig into that stash of emergency cash and take you and your loved one(s) out for a nice meal. The key word here is “nice”. What’s something nice you can do for yourself?

Nudged: Wander an expensive store, touch everything I want (but don’t spend a dime)

Backstory: I groaned when I drew this Nudge, and almost used one of my passes. Money is tight, bills are due, I have a long list of things I need to put our money toward (roof repairs) and things I want to put our money toward (a real vacation). Why would I even want to be tempted by looking at pretty new things?

As I thought about the deeper meaning on this Nudge, I realized it’s not really about stuff. Maybe what I need to be doing is changing the energy surrounding me and my money. Maybe if in my mind I accept the items I touch, I will manifest receiving them, or I will simply stir up some newly energized wealth—in whatever form it comes.

Hey, I said I wanted to be “uncomfortable” in this journey. I best embrace that.

P.S. On the topic of wanting to save money, I stumbled upon this article on the BBC website about living “off-peak”. I love that this is really an exercise in living creatively, and I’m thinking a couple of the writer’s ideas need to be added to my List, such as meeting for breakfast vs after-dinner drinks and seeing if my favorite local bakery (Hello, Noe Valley Bakery!) offers day-old croissants (not likely) or baguettes (maybe). I might also start a list of books I want and wait for sales at my favorite shops (Hello, BookShop West Portal and Omnivore Books!). Maybe even saving money can be fun!

What Happened: Well I f-ed this one up…or did I? All week long I put this off. It was more about not wanting to even be tempted to spend money. There is nothing I need, and truly nothing I really want. In fact, I’m starting to feel the need more and more to get rid of the stuff I’m not using or enjoying to make way for more of what I do want: financial security, calm in our home, a smaller to do list, time and energy to take care of myself and nurture my precious relationships.

But this uncomfortable Nudge took up brain space all week. I thought about going to a clothing store that’s had my eye, or playing make-believe that I was über-rich and trying on sparkly tennis bracelets and necklaces at a fancy jeweler’s. But I stalled, I put off, I suffered way too much stress worrying about how I was going to complete (or not) this one dumb task.

Finally, it was deadline day. My husband and I went out for brunch, and before heading out to run a couple of errands, I said, “Give me five minutes.” I remembered that Friday, on an early morning walk with Louie the dog, I passed a shop that sells antiques. In the front window I’d spotted a beautiful tea pot. It almost looked like a cloisonné. Oooo…I needed to touch that and maybe manifest it into my life! So I dashed from the restaurant to check it out, feeling quite pleased with myself that I wasn’t going to fail my Nudge.

Closed on Sundays.

Ah, crap.

The tea pot, as gorgeous as I remembered, was still in the window. What was also in this window was this sign:

The Ah-Ha: That sign brought everything home for me, because the other thing I thought about during this week was how good I am at deferred pleasure. I take pride in the fact that when there is something I want—whether a thing or an experience or a goal of any kind—I set my intentions, break down the steps, save my money, then get it when I’ve “earned” it.

I’m not sure this is the healthiest choice for me. I’m not saying I’m going to start impulse buying expensive stuff, but what else am I depriving myself of? How often do I put other people’s needs before my own? How often do I tackle every task of drudgery on the to do list before I allow myself the smallest of pleasures that feed my soul? Methinks I need to do some work in this area.

So while I didn’t complete the Nudge as originally specified, I consider this Nudging experience a success. And because I’m now more aware of how I defer and deprive myself, I’m adding a new Nudge to my list: “Give in to an impulse that gives me joy.”

P.S. Earlier this year I read The Rainbow Comes and Goes by Anderson Cooper and Gloria Vanderbilt. I was struck by one particular story in which the message is to be fully in the present and “Enjoy enjoy enjoy!”

I no longer believe in coincidence. I feel that line was directed to me and I am being asked to consider why I waste so much energy desiring things I want in the future (and deferring the pleasure of getting them far into the future) when I have so much to be grateful for today. My off-the-top-of-my-head list includes: A dog who loves and protects me. A roof over my head, food in the fridge, work that I’m good at and that I enjoy. A husband who makes me laugh and makes me proud. Pretty flowers on my desk, warmth from the sun coming through my office window. Hands that effortlessly type and translate the thoughts from my mind and imagination onto this page. Friends I can count on.

It’s not lost on me that most of these things cannot be touched or purchased or drooled over in a storefront window.

Nudged: Buy flowers for the office

Backstory: This is all about one thing: self care. I should put that in caps: SELF CARE! I suck at this. Oh, I’m great at taking care of others. I call to check in on friends and family members, send notes in sympathy and appreciation, deliver the occasional small gift, remember the milestone events big and small, and drop off flowers, sometimes anonymously. (See the “Do a Fairy Deed” Nudge in April.) But do nice things for myself? Not so much…up until now….

What Happened: I wasted no time on this one. Right after I drew the Nudge on Sunday, I headed to the grocery store, added $5 worth of chamomile blossoms to my cart, and popped them into a vase when I got home. This is what greeted me at when I sat down to work on Monday morning:This sweet bouquet became the focal point of my desk for the week, providing a bit of colorful cheeriness and a slightly earthy fragrance that I found—not surprisingly, for chamomile—calming.

The side benefit is that I got inspired to clean up the space around it. This is in keeping with the “shine your sink” practice taught by the FlyLady. Basically, you start with some small thing (cleaning the kitchen sink), get that cleaned up, then slowly expand your efforts until a whole area (counters, stove top…) is looking good. (Check out the FlyLady’s website for lots of great free advice and tips.)

I finished a big work project late Tuesday, and, having shredded and filed notes as I worked, I started to see the top of my desk again. Wednesday, I set aside some time to clear it off completely. The beautiful pine not only got dusted, but polished. I rearranged and felt I cleared space for the next project, for a client, or maybe one for myself. It felt like my brain had been dusted and polished in preparation for…well, that’s to be revealed, I suppose.

The Ah-Ha: I need to do a major decluttering in my office, and it’s coming. What’s amazing to me is the impact small steps have. Yes, there’s still a pile on the shelf in front of my desk, but my desk itself is cleared and all prettified. Not wanting to wreck that space, I’m more likely to put things in their places than pile it on the desk tomorrow.

That’s all well and good, yet there’s more to this Nudge. During my meditation time one morning, I was drawn to the tiny details in the buds. (Couldn’t get a good photo, unfortunately.) Talk about inspiration for creating! At first glance, I admired them for the simple beauty of the sweet yellow flowers. But upon closer inspection—I even pulled out a magnifying glass—I discovered incredibly complex shades and shapes.

It struck me that this is what happens in my work. People read the end result and it flows. It looks so simple; how many times have I heard “Anyone can be a writer”? But I know—and other creatives know—all the work that goes into making a final product. All the details, all the nuances, all the experiences and skills and hours of effort that I pour into something to make it ”perfect” to outside eyes. Seeing this in the flowers, acknowledging it, made me also acknowledge and appreciate this for myself.

So, flowers for the office: $5.

Acknowledging and appreciating the intricacies of my work: Priceless.

Nudged: Go to service at that church down the street

Backstory: I consider myself spiritual, not religious. Growing up, my family was part of Church of Religious Science, and I am grateful that I was raised in an environment that respected and celebrated many religious and spiritual expressions. As a young adult, for many years I was active in an open and welcoming Presbyterian church, where I was part of a beautiful community. Despite the years and miles now separating us, many of the people I met there remain dear friends. Following that, I occasionally attended services at an Episcopalian church that was committed to community service and worldwide justice.

I miss some things about being part of a church community, like the deep ties that bind, the support given and received during tough times, the opportunities to serve. But there is a lot I don’t miss, like the closed-mindedness, the exclusivity, the strict doctrine that seem to be the core values of far too many many religious organizations.

When I moved to Northern California, my weekends filled with activities with family (I now live less than an hour away from both siblings) and with my soon-to-be-husband. None of these people are regular churchgoers, and I didn’t feel strongly enough to want to pursue finding a home church on my own.

But as I explored my new neighborhood, a few of the churches called out to me. One is a small and modest Catholic church, where I’ve attended a couple of midnight masses on Christmas Eve. One is a small and modest Unity church, which is part of the community of my childhood church. The third is an Episcopalian church. All three are within easy walking distance of my home.

The upside of my drawing this Nudge on Sunday afternoon is that I have given myself a “free” week. That’s kind of a nice break. The challenge, though, is making sure I get to a service this coming Sunday. No excuses, no backing out!

What Happened: On one hand, it was nice to have a “break” this week, in that I didn’t have to perform some task every single day. On the other, it was a little stressful in that I had to make certain nothing distracted me on the one day that this had to happen.

Having decided to get this done early and leave the rest of the day open to spend with my husband, I chose the 8 am service at the Episcopal church. (The other church’s service is at 11 am.) As quietly as possible, I pulled myself together. Heavy sweater (it’s “summer” in San Francisco): check. Housekeys: check. Cash for offering in pocket: check.

The morning was brisk; perfect weather for the 16-minute walk. My mind by this point was fully awake, and as I descended from our front door to the sidewalk, the never-ending To Do List began its assault on me: I’ve got sausage and potatoes to make for B for breakfast, I’ll check the blueberry plants when I get back, I need to unlock the dog door so Louie can get out to pee, did I leave laundry in the dryer yesterday?, I’ve got to stop doing … Oh my goodness, are those Dahlias?!

Dahlia season in San Francisco is fantastic, and in the yard I passed, there appeared to be an explosion of color. Magnificent! I stopped for just a moment to take them in, then continued on my walk as the To Do List picked up where it left off: I wonder if this church will be active in social justice, I would love to find a group to become involved with … Hello, little bird! And good morning to you, too!

My To Do List was no match for the colorful gardens, stately trees, joyful song birds, and other examples of pure beauty that interrupted my thoughts, and I reached my destination aware of the smile on my face.

It was a small gathering, as early morning services often are, and I liked the quiet. It felt contemplative, prayerful, and less of a show than the boisterous services that happen later in the day. I also felt that since I had taken the time to transition there through my walk (versus racing there in my car and coming straight to the sanctuary), I was open and ready to receive the message of the day.

And what a message it was. God is a god of second chances, I was reminded. Let go of attachments to things and expectations. Surrender. Be open to your calling. Be open to change.

Coincidence? Hardly. I left feeling like I’d had a one-on-one with God.

The Ah-Hahs: I took a different route, past different gardens, for my walk home, and as I took in their unique beauty, I was reminded of one year when I took my grandmother out for Easter Sunday. “Which church would you like to go to?” I’d asked. “Let’s go into the park,” she said, meaning Yosemite, which she lived near. “It’s God’s church.” This walk, I felt, was also part of God’s church.

With each step, I started to think about all of the reasons I had loved being part of a church community. Do I have to be part of a religious organization to have that in my life? There are so many causes about which I’m passionate and where I might be able to volunteer my time and talents. Or maybe I can start applying for staff positions at nonprofit organizations where I could do good works as part of a team and pull a paycheck. I could do their social media, write press releases and newsletters. I could…maybe….

A blooming cactus caught my eye. “Slow down,” it seemed to say to me. “Clear the chatter from your mind, release and surrender, listen and contemplate. Be open.” Yes. That.

What a great way to begin a fresh new week.

 

52+: The gift of saying “No (thank you)”

Kathleen WoodsLast week I was presented with a fabulous professional opportunity, one that would allow me to use much of my experiences and skills. I was thrilled! After the initial interview and offer, I told them I would get back to them soon with my answer.

I’d hoped I could respond on the spot, but I felt I first needed to do my homework. I did some research on the corporate culture, talked to a guy in a similar position at another company to get an understanding of the realities of the job, and looked back at goals and aspirations I had set for myself at the start of the year.

For some reason, I couldn’t pull the trigger. Two days went by as I sweated my options, feeling I should say “yes,” while something, I didn’t know what, was telling me maybe, just maybe, it was a “no.”

On the third morning I woke early with the whole struggle heavy on my mind. I needed to give them my answer. I bundled up in my robe that feels like a hug, went to my desk, and scribbled out a pro/con list. Not surprising, the pros were winning. The position fit with my interests, there was opportunity for future promotion, and I was wanted—they had approached me, which always feels good. And yet…. I called my husband into my office to ask what I should do. I believe his exact words were, “Pull yourself together, woman!”

I went to a quiet spot for a talk with myself. “Okay, Kath, deep breath. If you were up getting ready to go to this job in a couple of hours, how would you feel?” Ah-hah. The answer was immediate. I would not feel excited, because I didn’t feel the job was going to be fun.

Now, this isn’t to say I’m afraid of hard or demanding work; I love when my work is all-absorbing, but time flies only when you’re devoting your energies to projects you love. This job wasn’t it. I recalled when a friend/mentor years ago advised me about another career choice I had to make. “If it isn’t a definite ‘YES!,” she said, “it’s a ‘no’.”

And so I graciously declined.

Naturally, for the next 48 hours I beat myself up, worried that I’d blown something big. But I have faith that it will all work out. I believe something is coming soon that will be fun, work that will have me springing out of bed every morning.

Certainly much of the intention of this 52Nudges experiment is saying “Yes” to new experiences, however, I am also learning the gifts of the genuine “No.” In his book Let Your Life Speak (see “For Inspiration” in the right column), Patrick J. Palmer  talks about the value of “ways closing.” I get this. Sometimes something that feel like a disappointment, or even a failure, turns out to be a blessing because the loss of it makes way from something better. Its closing allows for a new way to be opened.

With that in mind, I am a girl still in search of her “YES!”, and I am excited to find out what it is.

Nudged: Send a note of appreciation for character/a quality

Backstory: I’m a big “fan” of thank you notes, so much so that I have a rule that I won’t use, wear, or eat a gift until I’ve written a note thanking the giver for their thoughtfulness and generosity. I do this even if I don’t like the gift! When someone has spent some time thinking about, shopping for, and spending their hard-earned money on something for me, I can spend five minutes of my time saying thank you.

But this Nudge is a little bigger and was inspired by something else. Years ago, a writing teacher challenged me to send a fan letter to an author I admired. (I believe Carolyn See recommends this in her book, Making a Literary Life, but other writers and writing coaches recommend this.) It’s scary as heck. I can easily rationalize that this BIG FAMOUS PERSON is too busy to want to be bothered by me, that he or she will only be annoyed that I’ve taken up some of their precious creative time.

But I did it. I sent an email to one of my favorite authors, gushing (not too much) about how much I have loved his books and how grateful I am that he has shared his stories. I got a reply in minutes: “You made my day! Thank you!” I’ve since reached out to other writers with a quick email praising their work and thanking them, and every time I’ve heard back within minutes of hitting send.

What’s this about? Well, it’s pretty obvious when I think about it. Like me, they spend all day, most days, alone with a computer and their thoughts. They put their hearts and souls onto paper, then send it out into the world, hoping it will be loved and not critiqued to oblivion. Most readers are quick to be judgmental and can often be cruel. But to get a genuine note of appreciation? Rare.

So it is with the rest of us. We are bombarded with negativity, from peers, family members, advertising, social media. But how often do we hear “I think you’re great, just because you’re you”?

I want to change that, for at least one person.

What Happened: Who might I write to? What might I say? What were characteristics I wanted to acknowledge? I lay awake the night after I chose this Nudge, thinking through my list of close friends and what I admired about each one: persistence, optimism, care for the planet, a rare talent.

A friend I’ll call Ellen came to mind. Several years ago she went through a horrible divorce when her husband of many decades announced he was having an affair with a woman younger than his adult children. Oh…and she was pregnant with their child.

Had it been me at the receiving end of this bombshell, I would have slashed his tires while waiting for a voodoo doll to be made in his image, letting bitterness course through my veins and hatred attach itself to my DNA. But she didn’t do any of that. Okay, she was pretty upset at first, but then she decided this wasn’t who she wanted to be. Instead, she reached out to family members who also felt betrayed, talked them through their own desires to slash tires, arranged meetings, and mediated reconciliations. The family now spends holidays together. The whole family. Ellen is now the godmother of the little boy who was the product of that affair.

Her mature, compassionate, incredibly gracious behavior is something I greatly admire. I’d like to be like her when I grow up, and I told her so in my note.

The Ah-Hah: After I mailed my note, I thought about this a bit more deeply. In a time, a world, in which there seems to be so much ugliness, I feel torn by how I could help. My dollars aren’t a drop in the bucket of starvation, poverty, terror. My tiny voice of political activism doesn’t appear to be changing anything. And while I will always vote, in every election, it’s hard to not feel discouraged.

So here’s Ellen, a woman who did something small by making choices that positively impacted her life. And then, from that good place, she reached out and made a positive impact on the small circle of family around her. I heard about her actions and shared it with a friend who was heading into what could have been a difficult divorce, to demonstrate there was another—a better—way. Think of all the ripples of our choices!

Ripples, ripples, pay it forward. We might not make the history books, but the choices we make have the power to change history. Truly. So let’s make some good choices.

“Be more concerned with character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”

—John Wooden, legendary basketball coach and great human

Nudging: Send a note of appreciation for character/a quality

Backstory: I’m a big “fan” of thank you notes, so much so that I have a rule that I won’t use, wear, or eat a gift until I’ve written a note thanking the giver for their thoughtfulness and generosity. I do this even if I don’t like the gift! When someone has spent some time thinking about, shopping for, and spending their hard-earned money on something for me, I can spend five minutes of my time saying thank you.

But this Nudge is a little bigger and was inspired by something else. Years ago, a writing teacher challenged me to send a fan letter to an author I admired. (I believe Carolyn See recommends this in her book, Making a Literary Life, but other writers and writing coaches recommend this.) It’s scary as heck. I can easily rationalize that this BIG FAMOUS PERSON is too busy to want to be bothered by me, that he or she will only be annoyed that I’ve taken up some of their precious creative time.

But I did it. I sent an email to one of my favorite authors, gushing (not too much) about how much I have loved his books and how grateful I am that he has shared his stories. I got a reply in minutes: “You made my day! Thank you!” I’ve since reached out to other writers with a quick email praising their work and thanking them, and every time I’ve heard back within minutes of hitting send.

What’s this about? Well, it’s pretty obvious when I think about it. Like me, they spend all day, most days, alone with a computer and their thoughts. They put their hearts and souls onto paper, then send it out into the world, hoping it will be loved and not critiqued to oblivion. Most readers are quick to be judgmental and can often be cruel. But to get a genuine note of appreciation? Rare.

So it is with the rest of us. We are bombarded with negativity, from peers, family members, advertising, social media. But how often do we hear “I think you’re great, just because you’re you”?

I want to change that, for at least one person.

Nudged: Wear red lipstick every day

Backstory: I laughed out loud when I unscrolled this one. The idea behind this Nudge is to make me feel powerful, to boost my self-esteem, to embolden myself. Embolden—is that a great word or what? That’s all good, but what made me laugh is I picked this on week when likely the only two other beings I’ll see are my husband and dog. Alright, I’ll have to go to the grocery store one day, and I am scheduled for a hair trim on Friday, but otherwise, this is for me. Ah-hah. This is for me.

What Happened: This one almost derailed my whole 52Nudges project. I was extremely uncomfortable going out in red lipstick, and I did go out for errands and other walks around the neighborhood. Red lipstick isn’t me, and I felt like a fraud. If you look at my closet, it’s filled with pastels and corals and cheery colors of spring. Not fade-into-the-background, but certainly not in-your-face colors. I don’t know what I was expecting to learn from this challenge, but…well, nothing came of it….

The Ah-Hah: …Or maybe something did. Maybe the lesson is recognizing what is right for me. Despite what all the fashion magazines claim, maybe a bold red isn’t what I need to feel bold. Maybe I’m at my boldest and best in a warm coral that says “Hello. This is me.”

 

P.S. I understand some new readers are checking this out. Welcome! A couple of things I’d like you to know: You can jump in any time, with any of the Nudges. They are not numbered, there is no prescribed order and no “right” way to do things here.

To better understand why I am doing this, and what my objectives are, I encourage you to read “Why 52 Nudges?” and “Nudged: Break a Rule.” You can follow along and do my Nudges with me each week, or create your own list. Check out The List for what’s coming and to get inspiration to add your own ideas. I hope you will share some of your experiences and insights in the Comments. Cheers!