Tag Archives: change

Nudged: Say “No” to something

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Backstory: It was just a few months ago that I shared my experience of “The gift of saying ‘No (thank you).’” (Read the original 52+ post here). Even though I know the benefits of this Nudge, I’m still a little nervous. What if nothing happens this week? What if I can’t say “no” to anything? What if I get tangled up in all the shoulds?

So this week’s Nudge is one of those leap-of-faith things in which I trust the answers and direction will come.

What Happened: “What if nothing happens this week?” Hello, hilarious! I had not just one, but many opportunities to exercise this Nudge:

  • Was asked to chair a committee for a volunteer organization that comes with big responsibilities and a major time commitment. I was flattered to be asked, yet, after thinking about where I want my time and energy to go right now and in the near future, I said, “No, thank you.”
  • A friend of a friend of a friend reached out to me for help writing content for their business. I took at look at what they were doing, sent over a letter of introduction with samples of my work, and suggested how I might contribute. She replied with an offer that is ¼ the market rate for my services. I replied, “No, thank you.”
  • I put on a dress that’s been in the back of my closet for some time, one that now (thanks to recent efforts) fits. I wondered why I hadn’t worn it much before, until I saw myself in the mirror. It wasn’t me. It’s very pretty, but the angles hit me wrong and the color washes me out. I needed to hustle to get myself out the door for an event that evening, but I took a few minutes to change into something else that made me feel confident, sexy, attractive, approachable, and authentic. Then I folded up the first dress and put it in the box for donation to Goodwill.
  • That same night, I wanted ice cream. Really really wanted ice cream. Then I remembered how good it felt to slip into a dress a size smaller than what I’ve worn for some time and said “No, thank you” to the offer to stop for a cone.
  • Friday night, 6:07 pm. My mind said, “Just one…maybe tw-three more emails!” My heart said, “No.” I turned off the light, walked out of the office, and started my weekend.

The Ah-Hah: I missed one opportunity, and it’s eating away at me. I was at a social event, one held in honor of a colleague. I found myself stuck at a table with a conversation that was…uncomfortable. I don’t want to out anyone or reveal details, so let’s just say the opinions being floated directly contradicted my values.

But it wasn’t the place or the environment to argue. It would have been inappropriate to speak my mind, though I was tempted to not only offer an alternative perspective, but to strongly condemn the original.

So I bit my tongue. Literally. I didn’t want to take the spotlight off our guest of honor (even though the speaker was doing just that), so I did nothing. I wanted to get up from the table and walk out, but again, that would have caused a “scene.” So I stayed. And I bit. And I seethed.

If this happens again, under the same circumstances, I’m not sure if I would behave differently. But there remains a part of me that wishes I had stood up and said, “Hell. No.”

Nudging: Listen to two old CDs

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Backstory: Because I work from an office in our home and do little driving, the same six CDs have been in my car for…two years? Longer? Sheesh, that’s embarrassing. And pretty much the only time I listen to music at home is while I’m prepping and cooking dinner. You’d think I could change up my playlist periodically, but my reality (some might call it my “rut”) is that the soundtrack to Hamilton! is on constant rotation. Not a bad choice, but the neighbors are probably sick of hearing me bellow out “Here comes the General—RISE UP!” at 7:34 pm every single night. (“An-ge-li-caaa…Ee-liii-za…AND PEGGY!”)

I don’t know what I thought I’d learn from this Nudge. I suppose it’s another step in the clearing out process to re-evaluate treasures and determine whether they are to be saved, tossed, or shared. Or maybe I just need to remember the pleasures of listening to really great music more often.

Nudged: Move something (i.e., a piece of furniture)

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Backstory: This one is easy. For the past several years, my desk has faced a wall that displays an outline made up of sticky notes for a book that I’m on track to finish this fall. I’ve stared at this wall, gained inspiration from it, been frustrated by it. As this Big Project comes to a close, I’m ready to change my perspective. I’m thinking I’ll turn the desk 45 degrees so that it will now face the window and look out onto our backyard. This will be the first small step toward the larger project of (finally) redecorating this room with paint, curtains, and a rug in warm colors. I’m excited to do this.

What Happened: “What’s this week’s Nudge?” My husband, Thor (that’s the name he chose for himself for when I write about him), has gotten in the habit of asking this question every Sunday, and I love how supportive he’s been with everything. I told him I’d need his help to move my desk, to which he responded, “What’s our Nudge?” Turns out he had something else in mind. “How about we move the bed?” Uh, “Okay.”

The man takes his plans seriously, apparently, and he got down to business over lunch on Saturday when he drew up options (see below) for where we might put the bed, and what else we might have to move to accommodate the shift.

If you’ve ever done any remodeling, you know what’s coming. You buy something as simple as a new lamp, and suddenly the couch looks shabby. So you buy a new slipcover, and the drapes no longer match. There goes the rug, the coffee table, the paintings…total snowball effect.

A similar thing happened with this Nudge. We moved our one piece of furniture, which was a big undertaking on its own, but then came the collateral damage. We Swiffered and vacuumed a good three years of dust bunnies and dog fur. We decided to take down all the curtains and wash them. We realized after taking apart the California king-size bed and moving all the parts into the hallway that we had bolted the headboard to the wall. We decided it will stay in place for a month while we determine if we like the new arrangement.

In the process of moving heavy items, we ripped out the TV cable cord (another appointment for my to do list) and scratched the 90-year-old hardwood floor. (Guardsman’s Touch Up Pen is my new best friend.) By the time we were done, we had moved nine pieces of furniture. Nine. This was no “nudge,” this was a full-on move.

The Ah-Ha: This whole thing felt like a hilarious scene from a marriage. A bit of arguing, a lot of compromising, some decent teamwork, and some laughter at ourselves. This was not what I had in mind when I added this Nudge to my list, but like all the others, it’s the unexpected results that are the most revealing.

I was hoping to get a new perspective, and I got it. As we dropped our sore and tired bodies in to bed last night, I felt like I was on vacation in a new place. The light from the windows hit me at a different angle, the sounds—from the tree outside to the dog’s breathing in his bed—took on slightly different tones. I felt disoriented, but not uncomfortable. Waking up, I was not in my routine. I had to be a little more aware as I navigated my way from the warm bed across the dark room. It was…stimulating. That’s the best description I can come up with. It was different, new, challenging, and, yes, stimulating.

Once we finished resetting the bedroom, Thor said, “Now let’s go move your desk.” My back was crying uncle, so I suggested we put it off another day. But then, as I thought about it, I said, “What would you think of moving your desk in with mine?” Currently his desk shares space with the guest room. I’d love to get him out of there, make the guest room really nice and welcoming. But more than that, I’d love to have his company. It’s so crazy how often we’re working on our different projects after hours with a wall between us. Even though this is my space during the week, I’d love to have him with me on weekends while we pay bills or catch up on emails and YouTube videos.

I’m a little nervous that if we make this new move it will create another snowball effect (feeling the need to remodel everything in the house), but I’m open to the changes. And that’s what makes all of this Nudging business fun.

Thor and I going to look at our options after breakfast. 🙂

 

Nudging: Move something (i.e., a piece of furniture)

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Backstory: This one is easy. For the past several years, my desk has faced a wall that displays an outline made up of sticky notes for a book that I’m on track to finish this fall. I’ve stared at this wall, gained inspiration from it, been frustrated by it. As this Big Project comes to a close, I’m ready to change my perspective. I’m thinking I’ll turn the desk 45 degrees so that it will now face the window and look out onto our backyard. This will be the first small step toward the larger project of (finally) redecorating this room with paint, curtains, and a rug in warm colors. I’m excited to do this.

Nudged: Be early for everything

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Backstory: I laughed out loud when I pulled this, which I did late in the afternoon, just after I made the final decision to pass on the first draw. And yes, I’m well aware that in the process I was late getting this post out. Classic!

Here’s what happened: I had plans to meet a girlfriend for a movie matinee, and I had offered to pick her up. My plan was to be out the door early, so I’d get to her place a little early. But the phone rang and the dishwasher wasn’t quite done and I completely forgot to post this Nudge after I drew it and…. I dashed out the door, raced over to her house, and pulled up 1 stinking minute after planned.

Perfect time to work on being early for everything.

I didn’t used to be like this. But as I’ve gotten older, my responsibilities have expanded, and there’s always something I need to do. I hate the constant race with the clock. Not only does my running behind make me feel awful about disrespecting friends (their time is valuable too), but it adds so much unnecessary stress to my life.

So this week, I’m flipping the early switch back on. Let’s do this!

What Happened: What is “everything”? Early to bed, early to rise? Do I need to deliver jobs ahead of deadlines? Or is it just appointments, meetings, and events? Sounds a little bit like I’m looking for a loophole, doesn’t it? Sheesh. I shut that down and jumped in.

On Monday, I had a car service appointment scheduled for 7 am. I arrived about 10 minutes early, and there was, for a change, no waiting. Nice.

On Tuesday, my husband was out at a work event, so I invited a girlfriend over for dinner. My plan was to have everything done when she arrived so that we could sit down and enjoy a relaxing meal. But that last-minute email and one last call…. Good intentions out the door! The funny thing was, I actually think it was more relaxed having her help in the kitchen. The meal was simple and quick, but it did need some prep. Had I done every last thing, she would have felt more like a guest. A sense of formality was eradicated in my unpreparedness, which set the tone for the evening being more about two friends doing something together versus my doing something for her.

I had no success with the “early to bed” part, so it’s something I may want to try again in the 52Nudges experiment. However, I was consistently early getting to my desk in the mornings, being prepped to tackle both work and home to do lists, and being prepared and connected ahead of the start times for conference calls and interviews. Oh, and there was one surprise party in the mix. I was definitely early to arrive for that one!

The Ah-Ha: This Nudge was a small and impactful step. I was amazed at how my stress level was lowered, and I’ll take whatever relief I can get in that department.

But the most interesting ah-hah from this week’s Nudge was something that at first glance is unrelated. It came out of the dinner with my friend. I can’t quite see myself including guests in the prep of every meal, but…as I think back on favorite gatherings over the years, especially big family holiday gatherings, my memories include the camaraderie in the kitchen. The sharing of stories, the passing down of techniques and tips to new generations of cooks, the spontaneous hugs and smiles, and the pure joy of just being together. As a childless woman who doesn’t get to host the major holiday gatherings for extended family, I’ve missed out on this. I’d like to work more of it into my life. I’ve toyed with the idea of creating a supper club, one in which a small group of friends tries out new recipes, learns from each other, then sits down to enjoy the fruits of our labors together. Maybe this is the year I start it.

Or maybe the subtle shift I make from this is about doing less for others and more with others. Hmmm….

 

 

 

52+: Inspiration from the world’s oldest solo sky diver

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Kathleen WoodsLast night I slept for ten hours straight. In itself, that’s a good thing; I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I needed the rest.

But the bigger picture is I’m still looking for that so-far-elusive something that makes me want to leap out of bed in the morning. A work project, a hobby, a passion. Something.

As I scanned the day’s news, this story on BBC.com came to my attention. Ms. Dilys Price, at 86, is the world’s oldest solo sky diver. She started the sport when she was just two years older than I am now. And she recently embarked on a new career.

Here’s the link to the brief story and video about her.

I have no interest in sky diving, however, I want some of what she has.

Take a look, consider Ms. Price’s advice, and think about what you might want for yourself. Then, let’s figure out how to do it.

 

52+: Inspiration from senior executive coach and leadership expert Charmaine McClarie

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Kathleen WoodsThe email’s subject line read:

“Create the Career (and Life) You Deserve”

I receive so many pitches that under normal circumstances I would skim over a message like this. But there was something about this that caught my attention. Maybe it was because it spoke to what I have been working on for myself through the 52Nudges. Maybe it was because I was feeling stuck in that moment and wanted something to push me to the next level. Maybe it was because it came from a woman I genuinely like, trust, and respect.

Fifteen or so years ago I signed up to take language classes at the Alliance Française de Pasadena. The timing, some friends thought, was odd, since I’d just returned from a trip to France, had no specific plans to return, so had no good “reason” for investing time and money in classes. But I had fallen in love with the language and the culture, and I wanted to learn more. I wanted to exercise my brain in new ways. I wanted to make new friends. Looking back, I now see it was one of my first Nudges.

One of the friends I made was Charmaine McClarie. At the time we were too busy trying to conjugate verbs and decipher the key to words’ genders to get to know each other outside of class. But we became friendly enough to exchange contact info and keep in touch across the years and the miles after my move to San Francisco.

Over time I learned more about Charmaine’s work as a senior executive coach and leadership expert. Charmaine has experienced remarkable success with her company, the McClarie Group. For example, over the past two decades, 98% of her clients have been promoted within 18 months of working with her.

Ninety-eight percent. Wow.

That was enough to convince me to sign up for her newsletter, and I’ve benefited from her insights and advice on how to improve my business.

So, yes, I opened her latest email and was greeted with:

“We’re halfway through 2018. Are you where you want to be in your career?”

To which I replied, “Um, no.”

What followed was information about her workshop at the upcoming (September 14–16) Watermark Weekend for Women*. Watermark is the Bay Area’s largest membership organization dedicated to increasing the number of women in leadership positions and supporting the success of senior executives, emerging executives, and entrepreneurs. Charmaine will be a featured facilitator at the program, where women will be working on updating and improving their tools—including LinkedIn profiles and résumés—to position themselves for success.

I have a commitment that weekend, but will be keeping an eye out for other opportunities. Meanwhile, I used this as an excuse to catch up with Charmaine and interview her about her work helping women reinvent themselves and her own journey of professional transformation. Here are some highlights from our chat and my takeaways (in italics). I hope you’ll find some inspiration here.

  • Charmaine first moved to Los Angeles to support her husband’s career. After the first year of missing her core friends, she found she was feeling depressed, wondering, “Who needs me?” She realized that there was a gift in having friends all over the map. “I am a global citizen, and I am committed to nurturing and maintaining those relationships,” she told me. “You need to create community for yourself.” I am one of the beneficiaries of her practice of this, and it’s something I strive to do as well. You never know who you’ll meet (maybe in French class) or how they’ll impact your life.
  • Charmaine started out in politics, working on local and national campaigns. Eventually she moved into the corporate world, but always knew she would one day have her own business. She just didn’t know what it would be. In the meantime, she thought about what she needed to learn (understanding profits and losses, for example) and looked for ways to gain experience through her various roles and positions. “Through my assignments I got my real-life MBA,” she said. Always be on the lookout for opportunities to learn and grow, even if you don’t yet know your destination.
  • As people took notice of her work and her movement up the corporate ladder, leaders starting asking her for advice. “We have a female executive who’s going to speak to the board and she’s pregnant—we don’t know what to do” was one request she received. “I helped prep her so she’d have executive presence,” Charmaine said, and soon she was being asked to do more and more coaching—in addition to her day job. But it was not enough. “I’d apply for assignments, for opportunities, and be told ‘you’re too big for your britches’,” she said. There were no role models, no one walking around the halls who looked like her. “I wanted to go places in the company, but the company was not ready for me,” she said. So she started to think about what she could do differently. When the environment you’re working in is not growing with you, it’s time to move.
  • “I knew I wanted to help people successfully navigate the executive arena,” she said, but wasn’t completely clear how she might do that. “I wrote out a list of my strengths and weaknesses one night. I woke up the next morning, and I knew what I was going to do,” she said: “I want to be in the world what I wanted for myself.” She opened her own boutique consulting firm. Attorneys were her first clients; other professionals—then companies—soon came to her for help. Be in the world what I want for myself. That’s so powerful—and exciting!
  • “Start the day off with gratitude” is how she responded when asked how she nudges herself. She also finds inspiration in the New York Times’ obituaries, which she reads every day, taking note of what marks people left on the planet that she didn’t know about, that have impacted her life. “Look into the future,” she said to me. If I could read my own obituary, and see what mark I’d made on the planet, “What advice would you give to yourself?”
  • What advice does she give to women who are looking to make changes? “Imagine if life could be just the way you wanted, if nothing was in your way and you had no fear,” she said. “Who would you be and what would you be doing? What time would you get up in the morning? Taste it, touch it, feel it.” If I was fearless, what might I do today? (Do it.)

To learn more about Charmaine’s work, visit mcclariegroup.com.

*I do not receive any compensation or consideration for promoting this event.

52+: Interview with author and wellness expert Saeeda Hafiz

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Kathleen WoodsIf you’ve been joining me here on 52Nudges for a while now, you know that I no longer believe in coincidences. Too often the right person has come into my life with the right message or opportunity at just the right time.

I met Saeeda Hafiz through a mutual friend at a networking event for writers. She had just received advance reader copies of her memoir, The Healing, and brought a few to share. She offered me one in exchange for an honest review, which you can read on Goodreads here.

It’s a glowing review. There is so much in her story of personal transformation that inspires me—from a child growing up with poverty and violence to an upwardly mobile African-American businesswoman to a wellness expert who healed herself through yoga, wholesome food, and meditation. I hope you’ll check out her book.

A few weeks ago I Nudged myself to interview an “expert”, and Saeeda was on my short list of candidates. I considered asking about her journey to published author, then—keeping in mind her hectic pre-release schedule—I instead reached out to Kelly, a life coach who specializes in helping women master the Law of Attraction. (Read that post here).

But Saeeda stayed on my mind. Lessons from her book stayed with me, including greeting each day with love in my heart, setting an intention for each day, and ending the day with gratitude. From her story, I knew she was someone who had worked diligently to find true peace within herself (what she refers to as “Tao Girl”), and I wanted to learn from someone who is an expert at transformation, someone who could model for me how to authentically transform my life.

We found a time to connect, and here’s what Saeeda and I talked about:

Kathleen: What was your motivation to change, to pursue your authenticity?

Saeeda: Initially my motivation was to settle into what it meant to be “middle class” and having a corporate job. I was asking, “What’s a good life?” Then it became, “If I ever have a family, I should learn to cook,” so I started taking cooking classes. I was thinking about sauces and fancy foods, then ended up learning about food as medicine. I liked what I was hearing, so I stayed and started learning about holistic health.

K: Did you feel a calling to reinvent yourself?

S: I had had a strange internal message that started in college: “You should get into yoga.” After graduating, I thought, “I’m going to join a health club and start working out.” I had a vision of going early in the morning with other businessmen, but I wasn’t going to join a club unless it had this thing called “yoga”.

Yoga, as well as following a healthy eating style, became my vocation. People were asking me, “What do you do? Do you teach yoga?” They approached me as an expert, and I started to think about how when we’re in balance with the seasons, we can perhaps prevent the dis-eases people experience. I found myself teaching, casually, and sharing meals with people.

K: You talk about “That Tao Girl” in your story, about how you learned to listen to your true inner self. Can you introduce her to me? Who is she to you?

S: As I imagined myself going into corporate work, I was “That Girl” [from the TV show starring Marlo Thomas, 1966-71], then I was “Black Girl.” Then, as I went deeper into the holistic health world, I learned about “Tao”, which means “the way,” which to me is about being honest with your specific way of life. I evolved from being this African-American corporate person into something bigger. It’s more about who I can be and who I am. I don’t have to put myself in a box.

K: What advice would you give to a woman who is looking to create changes in her life?

S: I would ask her, “How do you want to feel every day? What’s overwhelming you and your life?” Then “Let’s look at food and body movement that can help give you what you want to experience in life.” We are all equal, we’re all given this present moment. What are we going to do with it today?

K: In chapter 12, you stopped me in my tracks when you asked “What sustains you when all else fails?” It’s such a powerful question with profound repercussions. What is your answer to that question today?

S: It’s still the present moment that sustains me. It’s that sense of it’s important for me to know, based on where I am right now, that I can make a choice to improve this specific moment in my life. I’m not powerless. I know I can choose my reaction or how I’m going to feel about something. What I would add today is that it’s also about being able to act in the present moment out of a sense of love instead of fear.

K: How do you currently Nudge yourself?

S: By staying open to what I’m truly thinking and feeling, who I truly am. There’s an active nudge of wanting to open myself through a nudge, then there’s staying open through meditation and foods that don’t block my inspiration and energy for living a fuller life. Oftentimes, we’re in situations that suppress deep, internal nudges: “Don’t do this because you’re A or B!” But your true self says, “Do THIS! It’s why you’re here!” I want to make sure the mirror is not cloudy so it can reflect back who I truly am, so I can make sure I am doing what I came here to do in the world.

 

The Healing: One Woman’s Journey from Poverty to Inner Riches by Saeeda Hafiz was released on July 17 and is now available on Amazon and at bookstores, in paperback and ebook formats. Saeeda will be making personal appearances through August. For more information, visit thehealingbysaeeda.com or saeedahafiz.com.

Nudging: Interview an “expert” (someone doing something I want to do in life)

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Backstory: Do I want to change careers? Go back to school? Master a new skill?

In her book Sacred Success (see “For Inspiration” in the right column), author Barbara Stanny talks about one of her clients who was terrified about taking on a new challenge in her work. “I am not qualified…I better stay away…I might mess it up,” she told herself. (Hmmm, that inner voice sounds familiar.) Instead, she gave herself permission to be not perfect. “When you screw up, you can clean it up!” she told herself as she dove in. She later revealed that the secret was realizing “For everything I don’t know, I know someone who knows. I can just call them and they can tell me what to do—or do it for me!”

One of the most valuable gifts we have in life is our extended network. We know women who have made big changes in their own lives, women who have impacted ours in ways big and small, and women who are willing to mentor or at the very least give real-life answers to our really scary questions. What do I want to know? Who can I ask? How might it redirect me toward something I really want?

Who are you gonna call?

Nudged: Complete something on the to do list for 6+months

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Backstory: This is so embarrassing. There are many things on my list that have been on there for more than six months.

As I sat at my desk and pulled this week’s Nudge, what is front of mind is the thing that has literally been in front of me for over a year: a map dated 1850 of my adopted city that was gifted to me, that I paid a small fortune to frame, that has been sitting on the floor of my office just in front of my desk, staring me down and basically saying “You loser! Please honor me, respect me, and enjoy me before I become just one other piece of junk that some niece or nephew (or stranger) has to dispose of when you’re gone!”

In other words: Hang that map!

What Happened: I finally pulled the tool box from the basement, attached the wire and hooks I bought from the hardware store ages ago, dusted the frame and Windexed the glass, and and…the beautiful map now has a permanent home in our living room for all to ooh and ahh over. Cool.

Meanwhile, I decided to address another overdue task. My beloved Gram left me her engagement ring…wait for it…in 1993. I’ve meant to do something with it. Several months ago I took it to a jeweler to explore turning it into a pendant, but they wanted more than it’s current value, which didn’t make sense. So again it sat in a bag, under a stack of papers, in a file folder marked “To Do.” After I completed the map hanging, I called the jeweler who made my wedding band. “Do you, by any chance…?” They do indeed, and for a very reasonable price. I plan to take the ring to them in the next couple of weeks, and soon I’ll be able to wear it.

The Ah-Hah: Two things: (1) Somewhere in my bowl of Nudges is “use the good silver” and “use the good china”. I am completely a believer that we need to use and enjoy, not hoard, our treasures, but I haven’t been good about walking my talk. But now, two items that are dear to me are off the overwhelming to do list and in my life. Wahoo! (2) No one is going to clear out the clutter for me, put things in their places, shred the old files, give away the stuff we no longer use (or that belongs only in the trash), or hang the pictures (and maps) that are precious to us. This is something I have to do. So bit by bit, task by task, I’m going to do this. I’m looking forward to the day when I can see—and feel—a big difference both from what’s no longer around us and what we’ve chosen to display.