Backstory: I’m a big “fan” of thank you notes, so much so that I have a rule that I won’t use, wear, or eat a gift until I’ve written a note thanking the giver for their thoughtfulness and generosity. I do this even if I don’t like the gift! When someone has spent some time thinking about, shopping for, and spending their hard-earned money on something for me, I can spend five minutes of my time saying thank you.
But this Nudge is a little bigger and was inspired by something else. Years ago, a writing teacher challenged me to send a fan letter to an author I admired. (I believe Carolyn See recommends this in her book, Making a Literary Life, but other writers and writing coaches recommend this.) It’s scary as heck. I can easily rationalize that this BIG FAMOUS PERSON is too busy to want to be bothered by me, that he or she will only be annoyed that I’ve taken up some of their precious creative time.
But I did it. I sent an email to one of my favorite authors, gushing (not too much) about how much I have loved his books and how grateful I am that he has shared his stories. I got a reply in minutes: “You made my day! Thank you!” I’ve since reached out to other writers with a quick email praising their work and thanking them, and every time I’ve heard back within minutes of hitting send.
What’s this about? Well, it’s pretty obvious when I think about it. Like me, they spend all day, most days, alone with a computer and their thoughts. They put their hearts and souls onto paper, then send it out into the world, hoping it will be loved and not critiqued to oblivion. Most readers are quick to be judgmental and can often be cruel. But to get a genuine note of appreciation? Rare.
So it is with the rest of us. We are bombarded with negativity, from peers, family members, advertising, social media. But how often do we hear “I think you’re great, just because you’re you”?
I want to change that, for at least one person.
What Happened: Who might I write to? What might I say? What were characteristics I wanted to acknowledge? I lay awake the night after I chose this Nudge, thinking through my list of close friends and what I admired about each one: persistence, optimism, care for the planet, a rare talent.
A friend I’ll call Ellen came to mind. Several years ago she went through a horrible divorce when her husband of many decades announced he was having an affair with a woman younger than his adult children. Oh…and she was pregnant with their child.
Had it been me at the receiving end of this bombshell, I would have slashed his tires while waiting for a voodoo doll to be made in his image, letting bitterness course through my veins and hatred attach itself to my DNA. But she didn’t do any of that. Okay, she was pretty upset at first, but then she decided this wasn’t who she wanted to be. Instead, she reached out to family members who also felt betrayed, talked them through their own desires to slash tires, arranged meetings, and mediated reconciliations. The family now spends holidays together. The whole family. Ellen is now the godmother of the little boy who was the product of that affair.
Her mature, compassionate, incredibly gracious behavior is something I greatly admire. I’d like to be like her when I grow up, and I told her so in my note.
The Ah-Hah: After I mailed my note, I thought about this a bit more deeply. In a time, a world, in which there seems to be so much ugliness, I feel torn by how I could help. My dollars aren’t a drop in the bucket of starvation, poverty, terror. My tiny voice of political activism doesn’t appear to be changing anything. And while I will always vote, in every election, it’s hard to not feel discouraged.
So here’s Ellen, a woman who did something small by making choices that positively impacted her life. And then, from that good place, she reached out and made a positive impact on the small circle of family around her. I heard about her actions and shared it with a friend who was heading into what could have been a difficult divorce, to demonstrate there was another—a better—way. Think of all the ripples of our choices!
Ripples, ripples, pay it forward. We might not make the history books, but the choices we make have the power to change history. Truly. So let’s make some good choices.
“Be more concerned with character than with your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are.”
—John Wooden, legendary basketball coach and great human
