Tag Archives: self-awareness

Am I tired, burned out, or…?

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As I prepared for a minor medical procedure (I’m fine, by the way), I scrambled to get all my work done ahead of time so I could take a couple of days off to recover. I finally had an “excuse” to take a break from my 24/7 schedule (because there’s client work + my work + household and family care), and I found myself looking forward to the downtime—to rest, to watch chick flicks, to read a book purely for my own pleasure.

What is wrong with me?! Why do I have to have something happen that lays me flat, that forces me to be still, to finally take some time for myself?

I’ve been recognizing this pattern a lot lately and acknowledging that I am Burned Out. Then this article came out, and I think there’s more to it.

 

“What is High-Functioning Anxiety?” writer Dominique Michelle Astorino asks. It features:

  • Overthinking
  • People-pleasing
  • Inability to slow down
  • Fear of failure
  • Overplanning
  • Poor boundaries

 

What are the symptoms? They include:

  • Irritability
  • Restlessness
  • Worry
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Feeling depleted

Check check check…. Dangit!

All of this supports and motivates my decision to include some Radical Self-Care in my List of upcoming 52Nudges. In addition to adding some pampering (I can’t even remember the last time I treated myself to nice body lotion), I’ll be adding things like “Reevaluate a long-term friendship” and “Say ‘No’ without giving an explanation”.

I welcome your suggestions. What Radical Self-Care practices have you done that worked for you in the past? What are some acts of self-kindness you would like to do (but have been putting off)? Please share with me—with all of us—in Comments.

Need help putting together your List? Check out the 52Nudges Workbook for exercises, tips, and inspiration. You’ll find everything you need to get ready for the 3.0 launch on December 12.

 

 

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Nudged: Do something I hate

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Backstory: “Hate”? Really? Such a strong term. I can think of things I dislike doing, but this seems a bit much.

I looked back at my notes from when I was putting together my list and confirmed this nudge was designed to push me way out of my comfort zone. In part, it’s designed to get me to do something that has been on my to do list forever, and for whatever reason has been put off. Like catching up on the mending (ugh) or weeding the backyard (which looks like a jungle after all the great rain we had earlier this month). Or–and this is a biggie–have new headshots taken. These days, I do not like having my photo taken. At all. Because I am pretty much not happy with how I look. At all.

Maybe there’s something in that last statement I can work with.

How will you nudge yourself this week?

What Happened: I couldn’t come up with anything at the beginning of the week, then was presented with an “opportunity”. Actually, that’s literal. I was offered a great work opportunity, one that checked so many boxes of things I can do well and things I want to do, and it was really really tempting to say “Yes!” But I held off. Something wasn’t…right. Something didn’t feel…authentic for me. I wrestled with my choices, knowing at a very deep level that accepting the offer would be the easy way through. After a few days of agonizing, I listened to my gut, swallowed my pride (because my ego had definitely been stroked), and said, “No. Thank you.”

Immediately I felt a weight lifted. I have a strong sense that I was being “tested”, and by making the right-for-me choice, something else–something better–will come in to fill the open space.

While the process was difficult, it wasn’t something I “hated”.

Okay, so what could I do to complete this nudge? What are things people typically hate doing? Taxes (already done). Deep cleaning the kitchen (ours is in pretty good shape). Ironing. Ironing…huh.

The Ah-Hahs: And that’s when it hit me: I would turn this nudge on its ear. I love ironing! Seriously! It’s a total zen thing for me, in which I work slowly and am rewarded with beautiful results. I love how my nice cotton PJs feel against my skin after they’ve been ironed, and I love how pretty my dish towels look with crisp folds.

So I pulled out the board, iron, and spray bottle, put a chick flick on the TV, and found my calm and happy place.

I loved every moment.

 

Nudged: Make a list of cities I want to visit, pick 1 to explore

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Backstory: Back in my single gal days, for years I dreamed about going to Italy. Every time the new Backroads‘ catalogue arrived in the mail, I ripped out the pages describing the walking tour of Tuscany and pinned it to my wall. One day I decided I had wasted too much time dreaming and was ready to do something to make it happen. Almost a full year in advance, I booked the tour and put down a sizeable deposit. Then every spare dollar went into a savings account so, by the time I boarded the plane, everything was covered.

This nudge is in part inspired by the success of that planning and adventuring. Today I can’t kid myself about swinging a big deposit (if you can–go for it!), but I can start visualizing my next trip and motivating myself to make it happen.

Once I’ve made my short list of cities, I might go to the library and pick up history and cook books. I might check out cultural music online. I might add a language app to my phone and start practicing the words and phrases I’ll need to be a respectful traveler (please…excuse me…thank you). Or maybe I’ll put together a list of movies set in that city and begin “seeing” myself there.

What I know for sure is I’ve been bitten by the travel bug and I’m starting to itch. I’m looking forward to exploring where I might go.

What Happened: I started by looking up the “best cities in Portugal to visit” and discovered Lisbon, called the “postcard-picture capital”. OMG, gorgeous! A “sea power”, Portugal is known for its temperate climate, beautiful beaches, fishing industry, and port and madeira wines. Sign me up!

But first I needed to look into Buenos Aires, Argentina. Friends who have visited describe it as the “Paris of South America”, featuring spectacular architecture, delicious foods, and world-class culture. I researched online and discovered it is home to a diverse immigrant population with a multitude of languages and has the largest Jewish population in Latin America. This “sexy” city hosts more than 300 plays every weekend and all sorts of cultural and music festivals (the International Jazz Festival that includes dance classes caught my eye). It also has so many libraries and bookstores (734 bookstores, “more per person than any other city in the world”), it is called the “City of Books”. Sounds like my kind of town!

Buenos Aires is also known for it’s beautiful gardens, including its Japanese Garden, which…wait…. Oh, wow….

The Ah-Hahs: For those of you who have been following 52Nudges for a while, you may recall my trip to Portland, Oregon, a little over a year ago. While there, at the recommendations of friends and family, my husband and I explored the fabulous Japanese Gardens. We were blown away by it. Then at one point we looked at each other and asked, “Don’t we have one of these at home?” Yes. Yes we do, just 15 minutes from our house. (Read the Nudged post here.)

I still have not been there.

So I kind of kicked myself as I worked through and processed this week’s nudge. Right here, right now, I have access to great architecture, world-class museums, food from just about every culture, language schools, cafés set up for sipping while people-watching, gardens and paths for walking, and just about everything else I’m hoping to find through travels beyond my own city’s borders. Why is it that I feel the need to search for things I already have here?

Postcard by RetroMail available on Zazzle.com

And then…and here’s where things get goosebumpy…

Why is it I feel the need to search for things outside of myself when maybe, just maybe, everything I need to feel fulfilled is already within me?

Why do I feel the need to do more, do differently, try, achieve? What if…what if for a while I am just still and allow myself to be fully me?

Like with every nudge, I never know where it’s going to take me. This one really surprised me, and I’m grateful for it. Maybe this was the ultimate nudge I’ve needed all along.

I’m still processing this, and don’t know how it will play out. I’m calm and excited at the same time.

Meanwhile, if this week’s nudge led you to plan the Trip of a Lifetime, I hope you’ll send me a postcard. 🙂

 

 

Nudged: No Facebook or online news for 1 week

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Backstory: I signed up to work with a nutritionist last year, to fine-tune what foods (vs. fads) work best for my system for losing weight and maintaining good health. I figured I’d be told to count calories, make adjustments to intake of carbs/fats/proteins, and amp up and create more variety in my exercise routines. So I was surprised to see “limit social media” on her list of recommendations. “It’s a source of stress,” she explained (Duh, I thought at the time), “and that contributes to how our bodies function,” including how we process calories and hang on to excess weight.

I’ve since talked with a number of friends who have received similar advice when seeking to develop healthier lifestyles, including one friend who was assigned “zero social media” for a three-month period while working through some challenges with a therapist.

There’s something to this, so I thought I’d try it out.

What Happened: One of the key guidelines for the nudges I give myself is each has to be, in some way, “uncomfortable”. On a scale of one to 10, this felt like a nine.

I drew this just before noon on Sunday, and my first thought was “I have a few minutes to check everything before this starts!”

How sick is that? I resisted the urge, taped the strip of paper with the nudge on top of my week’s calendar, and went about my day.

Monday 6 am I faced a rude awakening. I realized I have an almost unconscious routine when I first hit my desk in the mornings: Dear Abby, People online, local news, international news, Facebook. I resisted the urge and went to work, and all was fine till I was working on a project for a client and discovered a link about something they’re doing that I wanted to share on my FB business page. “This is work,” I told myself, “it doesn’t count.” And “I’ll just schedule it to run later, but I won’t look at anything else.” Riiight.

I scribbled a note in my calendar for this coming Monday to circle back to it. Would it have been easier and more time-efficient to just get it done? Probably. But that’s not what this week’s nudge is about.

Thor (the code name for my darling husband) emailed me in the afternoon: “Check out this story in the Chronicle!” Maybe if I just read that one story…. But I knew it would lead down the rabbit hole to other links, so I explained why I couldn’t and asked him to give me the highlights over dinner, which he did.

Tuesday was easier. I didn’t feel compelled to launch into my morning routine of checking all my sources.

By end of week, it was no big deal. I noticed that I did feel calmer, even more focused. Huh.

However….

Ah-Hahs: If I’m being completely honest (and I am), I must admit that I filled some of that “free” time with (cringe) online Solitaire. WTH?! This is not something I do. This is not ME. But there you have it. I am not proud of myself.

I took a hard look at “Why do I feel the need to numb myself? What am I avoiding?”

Late Thursday night I spent some time journaling about these questions. Here’s a short list of what came up for me:

  • Facing the losses that have appeared recently in my professional life, resulting in open spaces I don’t know how I’m ever going to fill.
  • Fearing that I’m “done” being a contributing member of society.
  • Feeling I am a burden to my husband.
  • Dreading the overwhelm of BIG projects that seem “impossible” to complete.

I reached out to a wise friend, shared with her some of what was going on in my life, and she told me what I already knew: I need to grieve my losses.

So Friday morning I started my day with an intention to “sit” with my grief.

Only I didn’t. When presented with a chunk of free time between projects, I opened up the Solitaire site.

I can quit any time I want.

This, I acknowledge, is a problem. Maybe not life-threatening, but I know it’s not healthy.

I’m not sure what to do with all this yet, but I consider this nudge a “win” for forcing me to acknowledge this – and do something about it.

I need figure out how to be the queen of my own heart. (Fabulous deck of cards designed by Ambidextrous Studio at http://ambistudio.com/.)

P.S. Avoidance can present in many forms of addiction. If you are reading this and thinking about how you’ve been using an unhealthy substance to numb out, please consider this your nudge to ask for help. If a licensed therapist is beyond your means, contact a clergy person or trusted friend.

Nudged: Look to books for inspiration

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Backstory: I’m getting ready to launch 52Nudges 2.0, and my last task before I finalize The List is to look to some books for inspiration. To find some new nudges, I might pick up books on:

  • Travel
  • Health & Fitness
  • Spiritual Growth
  • Self-Improvement
  • Creativity
  • Financial Planning

Take some time this week to look over your shelf–or wander your public library–and see what comes. If you need ideas, check out the list of resources under “For Inspiration” in the right column of this page.

Then mark your calendar…

52Nudges 2.0 starts Sunday, September 8!

What Happened: I looked over my rough list of Nudges and noted a healthy dose of tasks under Self-Care, De-cluttering, Creativity, and Passion & Play. But Spirit seemed to be lacking. So I pulled a few books that have long sat on my shelves and dove in for inspiration. First up, The Sermon on the Mount: The Key to Success in Life and The Lord’s Prayer: An Interpretation by Emmet Fox.

My intention was to skim, but I was quickly reminded how it’s often those “little” books that get you into “trouble”. A quick skim? Riiight. I ended up reading just a couple of pages every day, taking notes, mulling over the lessons. There’s so much more I want to get from this, but at this point, here are some of the ideas that might make their way onto The List of Nudges:

  • Allow one channel to close; look—with excitement and anticipation—for its replacement to open
  • Claim my Bread (i.e., stop being so stubbornly self-sufficient and allow someone to help me)
  • Pick an affirmation and work it to fruition
  • Pick a random passage from the Bible and really study it
  • Let something go (100% turn it over to God*)
  • Practice scientific prayer
  • Buy a new candle and light it every day with prayer requests for others

The Ah-Hah: As the lessons and ideas sank in, I was struck by something rather profound. Let me give a little backstory: After I moved cities 10 years ago, I made a real effort to keep in touch with the long-time friends I’d left behind. With most, the effort was reciprocal, and I continue to be grateful for the gifts of those deep relationships.

But one in particular has been the source of some pain. Even though I’ve reached out to my old friend with calls and cards and text messages, the only times I’ve heard from her is when she’s needed favors. And not just small things. I’ve been asked to do big jobs for her for free “because we’re friends.” Earlier this year I allowed myself some clarity that this was no longer a friendship, and I let it go.

I recalled this history as I read Sermon on the Mount this week and it dawned on me: I am such a hypocrite! It’s not that I’ve been unequal with a friend, it’s that I’ve been a taker with God. How often do I get in touch just to say “Thinking of you!” or “Wassup?” or “Have a great day!”? Um, never. Once in a blue moon, like when I am inspired to write in a gratitude journal, I remember to say “Thank you” for life, for love, for clean water and the roof over my head, but most days, our one-sided conversations are all about “This is what I need…want…please help…I’m begging you….”

So I’m going to include some weekly nudges that will help me build a better—more personal and appreciative—relationship with God.

As you consider possible nudges for yourself, you might think about which relationships in your life need nurturing. Perhaps you can take a first step toward healing a rift with a family member, reconnecting with an old friend, or getting to know one of your co-workers. Or perhaps the relationship you most need to attend to is the one you have with yourself.

*For simplicity, I am using “God” here. Please substitute whatever term or name works for you.

Re-Nudging: Wear red lipstick every day

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I’m on vacation–a real, fully unplugged vacation! While I’m out, I’m re-running a couple of favorite Nudges. You might try them again for yourself, read them simply for entertainment, or use them as inspiration to try one of your own new Nudges this week. When I get back, keep an eye on this space for news about a rebooting of 52Nudges in the fall. I’d love to have you join me. And if you haven’t already, sign up to receive the posts in your inbox. Subscribing is FREE. Cheers! — Kathleen

Backstory: I laughed out loud when I unscrolled this one. The idea behind this Nudge is to make me feel powerful, to boost my self-esteem, to embolden myself. Embolden—is that a great word or what? That’s all good, but what made me laugh is I picked this on week when likely the only two other beings I’ll see are my husband and dog. Alright, I’ll have to go to the grocery store one day, and I am scheduled for a hair trim on Friday, but otherwise, this is for me. Ah-hah. This is for me.

What Happened: This one almost derailed my whole 52Nudges project. I was extremely uncomfortable going out in red lipstick, and I did go out for errands and other walks around the neighborhood. Red lipstick isn’t me, and I felt like a fraud. If you look at my closet, it’s filled with pastels and corals and cheery colors of spring. Not fade-into-the-background, but certainly not in-your-face colors. I don’t know what I was expecting to learn from this challenge, but…well, nothing came of it….

The Ah-Hah: …Or maybe something did. Maybe the lesson is recognizing what is right for me. Despite what all the fashion magazines claim, maybe a bold red isn’t what I need to feel bold. Maybe I’m at my boldest and best in a warm coral that says “Hello. This is me.”

 

Nudged: Take a long walk

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Backstory: This Nudge is about more than just amping up my exercise routine. It’s about getting OUT. It’s about resting my brain. It’s about taking deeper breaths and taking in breathtaking scenery. It’s about moving forward, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.

I’m not sure yet whether I’ll use this Nudge to meet up with a friend for a catching-up session, or go on a quiet, meditational walk by myself.

Maybe I’ll do both.

What Happened: I did get out early this morning for a long walk with a dear friend. We caught up for over an hour, with plenty of topics left over for our next walk, which I hope we’ll schedule soon.

But the long walk I want to share in detail from this Nudge was something I did on my own.

I’ve shared recently that I’ve been struggling. I’m having a hard time getting going in the mornings, in part because I am searching for my lost mojo. This week I decided to try to Just Do It by setting a timer and forcing (yes) myself to get out of bed and just get moving.

Wednesday night I set out gear for walking: sturdy shoes, cozy sweatshirt and scarf, water bottle, sunglasses, phone with earbugs. I pretty much rolled out of bed and straight into the clothes and was out the door just after 6:00. Wahoo! My “treat” for doing this was a chunk of time to listen to a great story, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn read by Kate Burton, on audiobook.

I headed up our hill, explored a couple of unfamiliar streets, took in the views, listened to the story. All would have been fabulous if this was it.

But there was more.

I turned a corner and came face-to-face, we’re talking maybe 10 feet apart, with this beautiful creature.

I stopped. It stopped. The best way I can think to describe the encounter was we regarded each other. For several seconds.

Under normal circumstances, this could have been an awful experience. We have a coyote problem in our neighborhood, along the lines of family cats gone missing, dogs snatched right in front of their humans, warnings sent to parents to keep their small children indoors. If Louie (our dog) had been with me, this likely would have been terrifying.

But it was calm. It was…respectful.

I reached into my pocket to get my phone, to take a photo, which the coyote took as a signal to move. Phooey! But then it stood just beside a house and continued to look at me. I took a couple of steps, and it slipped into the garden. Double phooey! I took a couple more steps to peek into the garden and snapped the shot you see above.

The Ah-Hahs: A friend called shortly thereafter and I told her what had happened. “It’s a sign!” she said. “You’re going to have a year of adventures!” Okay then.

Back at home, I continued to think about it, and on a whim I googled “spiritual meaning of a coyote sighting”.

Well!

A coyote is a messenger, I learned, an “important messenger.” A coyote sighting is a reminder to “take a look within, to not take life too seriously, to lighten up, and to learn to laugh at ourselves and even our mistakes”. The coyote comes to encourage us to not just focus on a single problem/burden/concern, but to take in the whole of life.

“Do you feel stuck in a rut?” one site asked me. Uh, yep. Then the coyote came to tell me to stop taking things too seriously, to acknowledge the lighter side of things, and to enjoy life.

All this came to me because I nudged myself to take a long walk.

Wow.

Nudged: Throw something out

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Backstory: This could be anything. A “thing”, a memento that no longer holds any sentiment, trash, something I’ve outgrown. Or it could be an attitude or a bad habit or a dream that no longer calls to me. Hmmmm….

What Happened: Tuesday morning, as I sorted through items in my to do folder, I came across the instructions for our “new” CD player (see “Nudged: Listen to two old CDs” from, well, a while ago). I had already figured out how to run the thing just by poking around, but it’s always a good idea to read up on all the functions. Except I couldn’t do that. Why? Because the instructions brochure I had saved to read was all in Spanish. Brilliant. Quick toss that one!

What else in this office/this house/this brain is taking up space, nagging me to do? What really needs to get done, what really matters? Or better yet, what do I want to do that is being put off or blocked because I’m so busy dealing with unnecessary stuff?

The next couple of days I thought about this intermittently as I faced down a huge deadline on a client job. I was exhausted, mentally, physically, and spiritually, and I started think about the feelings and judgments I might throw away: feeling stuck, feeling underappreciated, feeling stressed, feeling tired of working so hard for what often feels like so little return. I delivered the job Thursday afternoon (ahead of the deadline, thank you very much) and allowed myself a brief respite to recover. (Ha. What I wanted to do was crawl into bed with a bottle of wine and cry, but I had things to do.) Friday morning I got back to work on the next set of deliverables.

Friday afternoon, during a break and after I received a “thank you, but we’re going in a different direction” rejection letter on a project that I really really wanted, I started looking around again at what I could get rid of. Let me see, what is “dead” around here? There’s the houseplant I’d tried to resuscitate by placing it in a sunny spot on our front steps (hello, death blocking the entry to our home!)…into the trash. The table center bouquet that had been so beautiful a week ago but now smelled like rot…buh-bye. This morning I pulled out several long-dead lavender plants and planted their healthy replacements..hello, beautiful!

Ah-Hahs: Will this make a difference? We’ll see. But it felt good to throw out the dead and make room for the new, both inside me and in the world around me.

Nudging: Do something that scares me

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Backstory: I was just thinking about this Nudge. I knew it was on the list, and as my collection in the bowl dwindles, I knew it had to pop up soon.

So here it is. What might I do this week? What scares me? Maybe this is the week I finally…

  • schedule my annual mammogram (the last one resulted in surgery—I’m fine, by the way—so dreading this, though I know it’s necessary).
  • track down and contact the holders of the copyright on some song lyrics I’d like to use in a book I’m writing (worst case scenario: they could say no—which would completely foul things up for me).
  • trust my gut and tell a needy, demanding, and annoying potential client that I really do NOT want to work with her (despite needing the income).
  • say “Oh, hell no!” to everyone else who wants free work/favors/my time/my energy and turn my full focus to work that truly makes me happy, that gives me energy, that gives me joy.
  • decide where I want my ashes to be scattered.

What scares you (and what are you going to do about it)? Good luck!

Nudged: Clear off dresser top; end of week, redo

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Backstory: It’s not the worst hot spot in the house, but as I take in what’s there—what has been sitting there for years—I’m ashamed. Photos of cute toddlers (who are now teenagers with driver’s licenses), old CDs that have lost their cases (can’t recall the last time I listened to them), favorite items of jewelry that need repair (and so have been unworn and unappreciated), Mardi Gras beads…Mardi Gras beads? Really?

 

Before.

What Happened: After pulling everything off and setting it aside in a box for later review, I gave the mirror a good Windex shine and wiped off the layer of dust that had accumulated. I was going to polish the antique wood, but discovered we were out of polish. I wanted to give this beautiful piece of furniture, which has been with me since elementary school, some love, so lemony polish was added to the grocery list, and midweek it got its “massage”.

During.

Several times during the week I caught myself thinking, “I’ll just set this laundry/book/mug/clipping/to do list here for a minute.” But having the dresser top completely empty caused me to stop and do otherwise, which usually meant putting the item in its own place. (Ah-hah.) The practice also caused me to be more aware of the other hot spots in our home: the dining room table continues to be the catch-all, the spare table in the kitchen continues to “temporarily” house many items that don’t fit in our limited storage space.

By coincidence (or not), I talked to two friends who have been more aggressively clearing out clutter after reading the book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing by Marie Kondo. They look at each item and ask themselves, “Does this bring me joy?” If not, out it goes. One friend, who is further along in the process, told me she no longer has any knickknacks, no longer has anything to dust. Now that’s appealing! She realized what gives her true joy is spending time with friends, being outside with her dogs, going on hikes. So that’s how she now spends her time. I find that a little scary (giving up my stuff) and very intriguing.

What did I discover brought me joy? A crystal bowl with a few flowers floating it in. That’s it! Simple, beautiful. And no junk around it to distract me

Will I keep it this way? I still have the box of stuff off to the side because I don’t yet know what to do with it. Perhaps a couple of family photos will make their way back, and the jewelry needs to go somewhere (other than a cardboard box on the floor). We’ll see.

The Ah-Hah: I look at the top of my dresser every day, several times a day, and on some conscious or unconscious level it makes an impression: This is a mess. You are a mess. Add this to your to do list. Pull yourself together!

I realize declutting nudges have appeared several times over the past months, which sometimes feels annoying to me (and maybe to you, too). But I have come to believe it’s more than just throwing out old stuff. In the process I’m clearing space to allow more light, joy, and creativity into my life. I’m uncovering underused treasures while acknowledging other items that have served their purposes and can now go delight someone else. I’m making way for calm and peace. And so I keep at it.

I’d love to hear how you’re doing with all this. You already know I’m a big fan of the FlyLady (a free site where you are lovingly encouraged to clear all sorts of clutter from your life), and I’m curious about the tidying-up book mentioned above.

What are you doing? How are you doing? What are you discovering about yourself in the process? I hope you’ll share.