Category Archives: Connections

Nudged: Write & mail 5 “Thinking of you” notes

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Dear Nudger,

If you have followed 52Nudges for a while, you know that I love sending–and receiving–handwritten notes. So much so, that mid-pandemic, I did a whole series of “Connections” Nudges. When I started creating the 3.0 List, I considered dropping this, because, well, it’s been done.

But then, in September of last year, I discovered a stack of holiday cards from 2020, set aside because I had planned to follow up with those people, call them, send an email, tell them how much I enjoy watching their families grow and appreciate their keeping in touch with me. In there was a sweet note from a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while, a long while. I wish I could tell you I picked up the phone and called her in that moment, but that was not possible, because she had taken her own life in August.

This Nudge is in tribute to her. This week I will reach out to a handful of faraway friends and tell them how much I love them, now, while I can.

It’s been a tough couple of years. We’re busy, we’re worried, we’re overwhelmed. I hope this week’s Nudge will generate a little bit of joy for all of us.

Yours, with deep affection,

Kathleen

P.S. If you’re in a dark place, help is available. Please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 and https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

What Happened: I just mailed the last of my cards. I was at first tempted to do this all in one rush–I even addressed all five envelopes on Sunday after I drew the Nudge. Instead, I found myself wanting to take my time, to be fully present with each. Five days, five personal notes. Signed, sealed, and mailed.

The Ah-Hahs: I think I’m pretty good about keeping in touch with people, but I wish I could be better. The days, the weeks, the months go by in a flurry of work and responsibilities, and…well, you know the drill. I’m glad I could be intentional about reaching out this week. This Nudge did lift my spirits, and I hope my notes lifted the spirits of their recipients.

As I write this, I’m trying to sense if there’s a deeper meaning to all this, a deeper ah-hah. I don’t know. But I’m reminded of how, whenever I traveled solo many years ago, I would send a postcard to myself, a memento of my adventures. You know what, I think I’m going to write one more note right now. I’m going to tell my sweet friend Kath how wonderful she is, how much she is loved. And I’m going to put a stamp on it and mail it. I have a feeling it will arrive on a day when I really need it.

Nudging: Write & mail 5 “Thinking of you” notes

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Dear Nudger,

If you have followed 52Nudges for a while, you know that I love sending–and receiving–handwritten notes. So much so, that mid-pandemic, I did a whole series of “Connections” Nudges. When I started creating the 3.0 List, I considered dropping this, because, well, it’s been done.

But then, in September of last year, I discovered a stack of holiday cards from 2020, set aside because I had planned to follow up with those people, call them, send an email, tell them how much I enjoy watching their families grow and appreciate their keeping in touch with me. In there was a sweet note from a friend I hadn’t talked to in a while, a long while. I wish I could tell you I picked up the phone and called her in that moment, but that was not possible, because she had taken her own life in August.

This Nudge is in tribute to her. This week I will reach out to a handful of faraway friends and tell them how much I love them, now, while I can.

It’s been a tough couple of years. We’re busy, we’re worried, we’re overwhelmed. I hope this week’s Nudge will generate a little bit of joy for all of us.

Yours, with deep affection,

Kathleen

P.S. If you’re in a dark place, help is available. Please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 and https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

Nudged: Invite a potential friend out for a “date”

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Backstory: Maybe it’s all the isolation from COVID, or just the fact that so many of my closest friends live far away. I need new girlfriends. I need someone with whom I can pick up the phone and be spontaneous. And it takes time to find the right matches and nurture these relationships.

But it feels like dating (ugh), and it’s scary and hard! So…I’m nudging myself to make the first move.

What Happened: One of my doctors is super fun. We have great chats when I go in for checkups, and I’ve often thought, if we had met under different circumstances, we would be friends.

I don’t have her personal info, so figuring out how to contact her was interesting. I didn’t want to leave a message on her office voicemail or email, something her staff would screen. Instead, I sent her a handwritten note, marked “Personal,” which basically said what I wrote above then said I’d love the opportunity to get better acquainted, maybe over coffee or lunch.

Honestly, this felt a little icky. But I reminded myself of a conversation I had with a friend years ago, a friend who is a pastor. He shared with me how people put him on kind of a pedestal and were intimidated about inviting him to social gatherings. It was like they thought he was too pious to enjoy it or worried he would be judging them. He’s human too, and he was lonely! With him, I was able to separate the person from the profession, and we became good friends, and I followed up by building friendships with other pastors in my life.

So….I hope my doc accepts my invitation.

Ah-hah: As I write this, I haven’t yet had a response to my note, and I’ve been feeling like a nerdy, needy middle schooler: “Why doesn’t she like me?! What’s wrong with me?!” I admit there was a small part of me that hoped for an immediate and enthusiastic YES!

I’m going to have to be okay with the wait. I’m mostly proud of myself for going waaaay outside my comfort zone and making the ask. Because nothing would happen if I didn’t first ask, and it feels empowering to have taken the first steps.

 

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52+: Connections–The one I’ve missed the most

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Well, apparently my brain took full advantage of the holiday weekend and I completely forgot to post this week’s nudge! Here you go:

As our world re-opens (fingers crossed), I’m starting to ease back out, accepting invitations to share meals, go on walks, and reconnect in person (hallelujah!) with friends and family members. In the process, I’ve discovered I’m not eager to cram my schedule full of activities. Part of me wants to hang on to some of the quiet I’ve enjoyed over the past year. If I look even deeper, I recognize I also don’t want to waste time at events I “should” do. I am prioritizing how and with whom I spend my precious days.

I have a handful of people in mind for this nudge. Maybe your most-missed person lives nearby and this is the week you call them up and plan a long-overdue play date. Maybe they live far, far away, so you schedule a long phone call instead. Or maybe…maybe your person is you, and this is the week you make time to sit quietly and listen to your own heart.

Since we are getting into our new “normal,” I feel it’s time to wrap up this special session of 52Nudges. I hope it has been a fun and rewarding experience for you, and I hope you’ll continue reaching out to the people in your life in meaningful ways.

Over the summer months I’ll be thinking about the next round of nudges (3.0?), and I hope to see you back here in the fall.

Thank you for doing this with me!

Affectionately, Kathleen

 

 

52+: Connections–Someone who lives in a different state or country

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During a recent decluttering spree, I uncovered a very old box of onion skin paper. Lightweight and almost transparent, I used this back in the day to send air mail letters. Anyone else remember this stuff?

I tossed the paper, but the impulse to reconnect with friends who live far, far away inspired this nudge. I may look at our holiday card list and choose someone with whom I exchange family photos just once a year. Or maybe I’ll scroll through old posts on social media looking for someone who’s clicked “Like” a lot, but we haven’t so much as shared comments.

In an email (or maybe a letter, because international postage really isn’t that expensive), I might:

  • open with a shared memory, such as how we met or the last time we saw each other in person
  • share a bit about why I love where I live in now and ask about their current home city
  • reminisce about past adventures and include my bucket list of future destinations
  • reflect on how travel—and correspondence—has changed in the last century (Taking and sending photos with my telephone?! This would have blown my grandparents’ minds.)

I hope you enjoy this nudge. Let’s make our world a little bit smaller this week.

52+: Connections–Thank a teacher or coach

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A handwritten note feels like the way to go for me on this nudge, though an email, phone call, or message through Facebook may work for you. Whichever method you use to connect this week, this is our chance to say “Thank you!” to a teacher or coach.

This person may be someone from your youth or someone who is actively teaching you now, like a business coach. Or it may be someone who isn’t a professional, but a friend who has taught you about Life. (And if you’re a parent, I encourage you to think about appreciating one of the people who has been going to extraordinary lengths this past year for your child.)

Here are ways we might acknowledge them. “Thank you for…”:

  • teaching me a skill (math, so I can balance my own budget; appreciation for great books; time management; fundamentals)
  • teaching me a life lesson (how to grieve, manage stress, or be a more compassionate friend)
  • serving as a role model
  • parenting me (especially if someone stepped in during a time of need in your life)
  • seeing me (the person who saw something and encouraged you to develop a talent, for example)

I’m excited about this nudge. I have a feeling all the positive energy we’re going to create will have amazing ripple effects. 🙂

52+: Connections–(bonus nudge) for someone who is grieving

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Dear Ones, this isn’t an actual nudge, just something I experienced recently and want to share.

When I was in my teens, I learned that the best thing to say to someone who is grieving is “I’m so sorry for your loss.” Depending on the circumstances, I might add a few words about how special the person was who passed, but I know from being at the receiving end that when someone tries too hard to say more—especially when they try to “fix” me—it backfires. Simple is best.

Several weeks ago, a family member I was close to passed away suddenly. I called a few friends to share the news, and I appreciated the support I received through cards and calls. One in particular changed everything for me.

“Tell me about your uncle,” my friend Ann said.

I was stunned for a moment. I had been so busy grieving my loss, supporting other family members, and trying desperately to keep my focus on big work projects while the world seemed to spin around me, that I hadn’t allowed myself to acknowledge how grateful I was for having loved and been loved by him.

I shared a few stories and reflections, illustrating the kind of man he was and the role he’d played in my life. And Ann simply listened.

Since then, I’ve had a couple of opportunities to pay this forward with friends who have experienced big losses, and considering how this past year has gone, I know we’ll have many more opportunities ahead. When you next connect with someone who is hurting, I hope you’ll remember this. Ann’s small prompt was a huge gift to me.

52+: Connections–Someone with a birthday this month

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I’m good about sending birthday cards, ecards, and gifts to people I love. But when I recently updated my reminders list, I realized there are a number of people I connect with just one day a year. Here’s my nudge to make a deeper connection.

I’m in the mood to break out my pretty wax seals (see photo), so I’m leaning toward sending a newsy letter with lots of questions I hope will prompt a reply. Here are some things I might ask:

  • Have you read any books lately that have inspired you, made you see things from a new perspective, motivated you to change?
  • What are your favorite signs of spring?
  • Do you listen to podcasts or follow any blogs that you think I would enjoy?
  • What are you most looking forward to doing once we’re through the pandemic? What might you miss when we go back to “normal”? (I’m going to miss birdsongs, something I’ve been able to enjoy during our quiet, traffic-lite mornings.)
  • I was thinking back to when we _______. What do you remember from that day/event/experience?

Whether you write or call, make the effort to reach out on a day other than their birthday—and send your regular greetings that day! Think of this nudge as a bonus gift for both of you.

P.S. If you don’t already have reminders in your calendar for upcoming birthdays, maybe this is the week you set it up. While you’re at it, stock up on cards or set up an online account for ecards.

52+: Connections–Phone a senior

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The nudge I pulled for this week reads “Someone living in a nursing or retirement home.” This was inspired by one former neighbor in particular, a woman who moved into a thriving retirement community just before the holidays in 2019, anticipating that her social life and overall well-being would improve dramatically. Then everything shut down. No visitors were allowed, all of their group activities—including meals in the dining room—were canceled, and I couldn’t even send her care packages! Her isolation has been incredibly challenging, and I’ve tried to check in with her when I can.

Then a couple of weeks ago I was thinking about the mom of a good friend of mine, who I used to see regularly at extended family gatherings. On a whim I picked up the phone to say “Hi!” and ended up spending over an hour chatting with her about books we’re reading, TV series we’re binging, and news about family members. It struck me that I might have been the only outside contact she had that day, so she’s the reason I’m recommending this week’s nudge connection be made with a phone call.

The recipient of your call might be an elderly family member, former neighbor, or maybe a former teacher. If you can’t think of anyone and you’re a member of a religious congregation, make your first call to them, to see if they have a senior support committee. Perhaps they can give you the name of someone who needs a little extra TLC.

If you’re at a loss for conversation beyond “So, how are you?”, consider:

  • sharing a memory: “Remember when we…were together for Passover / you taught me how to fish that summer / enjoyed your famous apple pie (what was your secret ingredient)?”
  • asking for life advice: “What’s something you wished you’d known when you were my age?”
  • closing the generational gap: “Carey Mulligan is one of my favorite actresses right now. Who was your favorite actor/actress/musician/writer when you were growing up?”
  • telling a funny story about your child or dog: I have a neighbor who is still in her home but is housebound. She loves getting photos of Louie (our dog) and hearing about his latest tricks. I’ve since heard stories about the pets she loved throughout her life.

Make that call!

52+: Connections–A college student

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My first impulse is to send a text message. I’ve been told that’s the best way to reach a college-age person, especially if I’m hoping to hear back. But my second impulse—and the one I’ll be following, because it makes me happy—is to send something in the mail.

This week I’m going to pull out the pretty note cards or fine stationery (ooo, how I love the feel of beautifully textured paper!), grab the pretty stamps (like those pictured), and fire up the sealing wax. My recipient is likely to be a niece, or maybe the kid of a close friend, and I’ve got a few ideas for what I might write:

  • “Have I ever told you about the time…” (something fun—and not too embarrassing—about their parents when they were kids)?
  • “Are there still…” (something about college life that may have changed since I was a co-ed, like are there still single-gender dorms, or does anyone still use the term “co-ed”)?
  • “I remember one of the biggest challenges of being on my own for the first time was (budgeting, cooking for and feeding myself, getting up in time to attend 8:00 am classes). I’d love to hear what you’re learning outside of your classes, your “life lessons”. Let’s find a time to catch up with a phone call in the next couple of weeks.”
  • “I’m so proud of you. Go, (insert name of their school’s mascot)!”

Finally, if you’re able, slip in some cash. That’s always a welcome special delivery.