Category Archives: 52+

Nudged: See the top of my desk

Backstory: I feel like I’ve done this Nudge before. Or maybe that’s because this task seems to have a permanent spot on my To Do List.

Before.

Work projects, personal projects, receipts to be entered, reminders scribbled on scraps of paper, multiple versions of To Do Lists, articles to be read, notes for articles to be written…. No wonder my poor brain feels scrambled!

This week I want to clear space both physically and mentally. I hope I can post a lovely “After” photo soon.

What Happened: OMG, I did it. Seriously, I’m impressed with myself because Monday morning, as I got my work week started, as I looked at the To Do List, I thought, Screw this. I’ll just put everything on the floor or move it to the dining room table and cheat.

Instead, every day I devoted at least 20 minutes to tackling the top of any stack and getting things handled. At the risk of sounding like our mothers, I’ll also confess that I practiced putting items (file folders, calculator, pens, sticky notepads) away in their places as soon as I was done using them.  Step by step, piece by piece.

The Ah-Hahs: This morning when I came into the office, this is what greeted me:

After.

For the first time in ages, I started a day not stressed, not in total overwhelm, but calm.

This feels sooooooo good. 🙂

52+: Celebrating “Women Gone Vibrant” with Alexandra Epple (podcast)

“You two need to know each other.”

That was how a mutual friend introduced me to Alexandra Epple, a health coach who supports and empowers women as they transition through menopause and midlife with grace and ease. She’s amazing! From the first time we talked, I felt like I’d known her forever, and I loved connecting with her and sharing how we both are working to help women live their best lives.

Recently she and I talked for her “Women Gone Vibrant” podcast on the topic of “Thriving as a Childless Woman”. In addition to my sharing some of my story about making peace with being childless-by-circumstances, we talked about the origins and inspiration for this blog, 52Nudges.

Our chat went live today! I hope you’ll check it out and share it. Here’s the link to the podcast.  You can also access it on your phone’s podcast app by searching for “Women Gone Vibrant”. (If you don’t have a podcast app, download the Overcast App.)

This morning, when I heard from Alexandra that our conversation would be going out into the world, I was a little emotional. I feel humbled and honored that my words were chosen to be shared today, Valentine’s Day. This day has the potential to suck for a lot of us, and if you are feeling down, please be gentle with yourself. Wherever you are on your journey—single or married, with or without children, pursuing your dreams or still seeking purpose—I hope you’ll find encouragement and inspiration in the podcast and in 52Nudges.

52+: When Nudging pays off

There’s this local craft spirits distillery I’ve been curious about for a couple of years. When a friend introduced me to their gin, in particular, I was surprised by how much I liked it. I wanted to learn more. I picked up a book about the history of gin. I tried flights at bars and experimented with cocktails at home.

Then about eight months ago, I nudged myself and coordinated a group of friends to go for a tour and tasting. It was fantastic. The whole time we were there I kept thinking, “It would be really fun to work here.”

So I nudged myself again and called them. Turns out they were hiring for the tasting room team, so I applied. And then I interviewed, went through intense training, was tested extensively, and got hired. I’m now there every Sunday alongside wonderful colleagues. I welcome guests from all over the world, tell stories, and learn new things.

I know: Wow!

This isn’t replacing my day job; it’s actually on top of all the other things I do. Friends have suggested I’ll one day write a book about gin, or start distilling my own in the bathtub. (Never say never!) I don’t know. I don’t know who I might meet or where it might lead. The future is uncertain, of course, so for now I’m just having fun. (And getting paid a bit while doing it.)

I have been meaning to share this with the 52Nudges community for ages, but there was part of me that wanted to make sure the job would “stick” before I went public. That sounds silly, now, but I was uneasy. Would they like me? Would I screw up? Would I burn out?

So far so good.  🙂

I share this with you now because I realize all of this came about because I opened myself up to opportunities and I nudged myself to:

  • Plan a fun outing with friends
  • Do something that scares me
  • Take a risk
  • Challenge my intellect and learn something new
  • Pursue a passion

If I wrapped up this whole 52Nudges project right now, I’d consider it a win. However, this experience inspires me to keep going. What might the next Nudge reveal? I am excited to discover the possibilities.

How will you nudge yourself this week? Is there something on the edge of your dreams you want to try? Please hear this from me: Go for it. ♥

52+: Inspiration from Mrs. Pollifax

Maybe a year ago, a good friend recommended I check out the Mrs. Pollifax series of books by Dorothy Gilman. Since her past recommendations have served me well, I didn’t bother to ask what it was about, I just added the first, The Unexpected Mrs. Pollifax, to my long list of books to read some day.

Well….

Mrs. Pollifax is a widow in her 60s who spends a lot of her time volunteering and being very sensible, “too sensible, perhaps”. When she goes for her annual checkup, her doctor remarks that she is in fine physical health, but she seems to have lost a bit of her glow. He asks, “Isn’t there something you’ve always longed to do, something you’ve never had either the time or freedom for until now?” And she answers…

“When I was growing up—oh, for years—I planned to become a spy.” *

Of course, this is ridiculous, and everyone has a good laugh over it. But her spontaneous answer sticks with her. As she heads home, she takes into account how unused and purposeless she has felt, for far too long. So she decides to do something unexpected.

I think you can understand how I was completely hooked. Let’s see, a woman in middle-age who feels there must be more to life asks some big questions, takes some crazy risks, puts herself out into the world to try things she’s never before imagined for herself, and finds her new self. (One might say she nudges herself.) The adventure that follows is thrilling, humorous, and touching.

Although the story is a bit dated (first published in 1966), the sentiments ring true today. If you are looking for something absolutely delightful to read, I encourage you to check this out. Maybe it will inspire you to do something unexpected.

 

*This isn’t really a spoiler, as this line is from page 3.

52+: A Difficult Day

Today was one of those days I really struggled to get out of bed, and I have felt unfocused and unmotivated in the hours since. The reasons may include:

  • How gloomy it is outside
  • How f-ing tired I am of being cold and miserable in what is supposed to be “summer”
  • Hormones running amok
  • Deadlines looming
  • Facing yet another holiday season and feeling like Time is flashing by
  • Needing to step up to deal with challenging clients
  • Laundry piling up again
  • Still not knowing what my purpose is

Or “Z, all of the above”.

Plus…

If you came of age in the 1980s and started your career in the 1990s, like I did, you probably watched closely as Professor Anita Hill gave her testimony before the U.S. Senate in 1991 about abuse she suffered from a nominee for the Supreme Court. I was so impressed by her, by her courage and her integrity, about her willingness to speak about unspeakable acts in the face of threats, intimation, and shaming. (If you aren’t familiar with her story, check out the documentary Anita that came out in 2013.) When her testimony was essentially dismissed, the message that went out to women like me was, “Don’t bother speaking up. If they didn’t believe her, they’ll never believe you.”

This morning Dr. Christine Blasey Ford gave her emotional testimony about the sexual abuse she endured decades ago. Déjà vu. I haven’t been able to watch all of the broadcasts, but I’ve read her opening statement and seen some of the highlights. And as I’ve done so, it struck me that I’ve been suffering from a form of PTSD for the better part of 30 years. I am angry. I am scared. I am so over the way women have been and continue to be treated in our world.

For as long as I can remember, I—we—have been told “Don’t say anything…If you want to keep your job…If you don’t want to ruin your reputation…Too bad you don’t have a sense of humor…Don’t be so uptight…You’re way too sensitive.”

I am one of the lucky few who has not been a victim of violent assault, but I’ve endured my share of inappropriate and misogynistic behavior. I’ve also stood by friends as they fought to overcome traumas of abuse. I am feeling desperate today for these women—for all of us—to be heard and for all forms of sexual abuse to stop.

I share this with you because I know that most cases of abuse are never reported, and most victims never get a chance to get help. I know how horrible reporting and testifying can be, so I don’t ask that of you. But if you have been victimized, in any way, I ask that you break your silence and ask for help. Confide in a close friend, reach out to a pastor, find a therapist.

CNN published a list of services that offer resources to help survivors of sexual assault. Read the full article here, or here’s a short list:

Please do not suffer in silence any longer. Please nudge yourself to get help today.

I believe you. I stand with you.

52+: Inspiration from the world’s oldest solo sky diver

Kathleen WoodsLast night I slept for ten hours straight. In itself, that’s a good thing; I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and I needed the rest.

But the bigger picture is I’m still looking for that so-far-elusive something that makes me want to leap out of bed in the morning. A work project, a hobby, a passion. Something.

As I scanned the day’s news, this story on BBC.com came to my attention. Ms. Dilys Price, at 86, is the world’s oldest solo sky diver. She started the sport when she was just two years older than I am now. And she recently embarked on a new career.

Here’s the link to the brief story and video about her.

I have no interest in sky diving, however, I want some of what she has.

Take a look, consider Ms. Price’s advice, and think about what you might want for yourself. Then, let’s figure out how to do it.

 

52+: Inspiration from senior executive coach and leadership expert Charmaine McClarie

Kathleen WoodsThe email’s subject line read:

“Create the Career (and Life) You Deserve”

I receive so many pitches that under normal circumstances I would skim over a message like this. But there was something about this that caught my attention. Maybe it was because it spoke to what I have been working on for myself through the 52Nudges. Maybe it was because I was feeling stuck in that moment and wanted something to push me to the next level. Maybe it was because it came from a woman I genuinely like, trust, and respect.

Fifteen or so years ago I signed up to take language classes at the Alliance Française de Pasadena. The timing, some friends thought, was odd, since I’d just returned from a trip to France, had no specific plans to return, so had no good “reason” for investing time and money in classes. But I had fallen in love with the language and the culture, and I wanted to learn more. I wanted to exercise my brain in new ways. I wanted to make new friends. Looking back, I now see it was one of my first Nudges.

One of the friends I made was Charmaine McClarie. At the time we were too busy trying to conjugate verbs and decipher the key to words’ genders to get to know each other outside of class. But we became friendly enough to exchange contact info and keep in touch across the years and the miles after my move to San Francisco.

Over time I learned more about Charmaine’s work as a senior executive coach and leadership expert. Charmaine has experienced remarkable success with her company, the McClarie Group. For example, over the past two decades, 98% of her clients have been promoted within 18 months of working with her.

Ninety-eight percent. Wow.

That was enough to convince me to sign up for her newsletter, and I’ve benefited from her insights and advice on how to improve my business.

So, yes, I opened her latest email and was greeted with:

“We’re halfway through 2018. Are you where you want to be in your career?”

To which I replied, “Um, no.”

What followed was information about her workshop at the upcoming (September 14–16) Watermark Weekend for Women*. Watermark is the Bay Area’s largest membership organization dedicated to increasing the number of women in leadership positions and supporting the success of senior executives, emerging executives, and entrepreneurs. Charmaine will be a featured facilitator at the program, where women will be working on updating and improving their tools—including LinkedIn profiles and résumés—to position themselves for success.

I have a commitment that weekend, but will be keeping an eye out for other opportunities. Meanwhile, I used this as an excuse to catch up with Charmaine and interview her about her work helping women reinvent themselves and her own journey of professional transformation. Here are some highlights from our chat and my takeaways (in italics). I hope you’ll find some inspiration here.

  • Charmaine first moved to Los Angeles to support her husband’s career. After the first year of missing her core friends, she found she was feeling depressed, wondering, “Who needs me?” She realized that there was a gift in having friends all over the map. “I am a global citizen, and I am committed to nurturing and maintaining those relationships,” she told me. “You need to create community for yourself.” I am one of the beneficiaries of her practice of this, and it’s something I strive to do as well. You never know who you’ll meet (maybe in French class) or how they’ll impact your life.
  • Charmaine started out in politics, working on local and national campaigns. Eventually she moved into the corporate world, but always knew she would one day have her own business. She just didn’t know what it would be. In the meantime, she thought about what she needed to learn (understanding profits and losses, for example) and looked for ways to gain experience through her various roles and positions. “Through my assignments I got my real-life MBA,” she said. Always be on the lookout for opportunities to learn and grow, even if you don’t yet know your destination.
  • As people took notice of her work and her movement up the corporate ladder, leaders starting asking her for advice. “We have a female executive who’s going to speak to the board and she’s pregnant—we don’t know what to do” was one request she received. “I helped prep her so she’d have executive presence,” Charmaine said, and soon she was being asked to do more and more coaching—in addition to her day job. But it was not enough. “I’d apply for assignments, for opportunities, and be told ‘you’re too big for your britches’,” she said. There were no role models, no one walking around the halls who looked like her. “I wanted to go places in the company, but the company was not ready for me,” she said. So she started to think about what she could do differently. When the environment you’re working in is not growing with you, it’s time to move.
  • “I knew I wanted to help people successfully navigate the executive arena,” she said, but wasn’t completely clear how she might do that. “I wrote out a list of my strengths and weaknesses one night. I woke up the next morning, and I knew what I was going to do,” she said: “I want to be in the world what I wanted for myself.” She opened her own boutique consulting firm. Attorneys were her first clients; other professionals—then companies—soon came to her for help. Be in the world what I want for myself. That’s so powerful—and exciting!
  • “Start the day off with gratitude” is how she responded when asked how she nudges herself. She also finds inspiration in the New York Times’ obituaries, which she reads every day, taking note of what marks people left on the planet that she didn’t know about, that have impacted her life. “Look into the future,” she said to me. If I could read my own obituary, and see what mark I’d made on the planet, “What advice would you give to yourself?”
  • What advice does she give to women who are looking to make changes? “Imagine if life could be just the way you wanted, if nothing was in your way and you had no fear,” she said. “Who would you be and what would you be doing? What time would you get up in the morning? Taste it, touch it, feel it.” If I was fearless, what might I do today? (Do it.)

To learn more about Charmaine’s work, visit mcclariegroup.com.

*I do not receive any compensation or consideration for promoting this event.

52+: Interview with author and wellness expert Saeeda Hafiz

Kathleen WoodsIf you’ve been joining me here on 52Nudges for a while now, you know that I no longer believe in coincidences. Too often the right person has come into my life with the right message or opportunity at just the right time.

I met Saeeda Hafiz through a mutual friend at a networking event for writers. She had just received advance reader copies of her memoir, The Healing, and brought a few to share. She offered me one in exchange for an honest review, which you can read on Goodreads here.

It’s a glowing review. There is so much in her story of personal transformation that inspires me—from a child growing up with poverty and violence to an upwardly mobile African-American businesswoman to a wellness expert who healed herself through yoga, wholesome food, and meditation. I hope you’ll check out her book.

A few weeks ago I Nudged myself to interview an “expert”, and Saeeda was on my short list of candidates. I considered asking about her journey to published author, then—keeping in mind her hectic pre-release schedule—I instead reached out to Kelly, a life coach who specializes in helping women master the Law of Attraction. (Read that post here).

But Saeeda stayed on my mind. Lessons from her book stayed with me, including greeting each day with love in my heart, setting an intention for each day, and ending the day with gratitude. From her story, I knew she was someone who had worked diligently to find true peace within herself (what she refers to as “Tao Girl”), and I wanted to learn from someone who is an expert at transformation, someone who could model for me how to authentically transform my life.

We found a time to connect, and here’s what Saeeda and I talked about:

Kathleen: What was your motivation to change, to pursue your authenticity?

Saeeda: Initially my motivation was to settle into what it meant to be “middle class” and having a corporate job. I was asking, “What’s a good life?” Then it became, “If I ever have a family, I should learn to cook,” so I started taking cooking classes. I was thinking about sauces and fancy foods, then ended up learning about food as medicine. I liked what I was hearing, so I stayed and started learning about holistic health.

K: Did you feel a calling to reinvent yourself?

S: I had had a strange internal message that started in college: “You should get into yoga.” After graduating, I thought, “I’m going to join a health club and start working out.” I had a vision of going early in the morning with other businessmen, but I wasn’t going to join a club unless it had this thing called “yoga”.

Yoga, as well as following a healthy eating style, became my vocation. People were asking me, “What do you do? Do you teach yoga?” They approached me as an expert, and I started to think about how when we’re in balance with the seasons, we can perhaps prevent the dis-eases people experience. I found myself teaching, casually, and sharing meals with people.

K: You talk about “That Tao Girl” in your story, about how you learned to listen to your true inner self. Can you introduce her to me? Who is she to you?

S: As I imagined myself going into corporate work, I was “That Girl” [from the TV show starring Marlo Thomas, 1966-71], then I was “Black Girl.” Then, as I went deeper into the holistic health world, I learned about “Tao”, which means “the way,” which to me is about being honest with your specific way of life. I evolved from being this African-American corporate person into something bigger. It’s more about who I can be and who I am. I don’t have to put myself in a box.

K: What advice would you give to a woman who is looking to create changes in her life?

S: I would ask her, “How do you want to feel every day? What’s overwhelming you and your life?” Then “Let’s look at food and body movement that can help give you what you want to experience in life.” We are all equal, we’re all given this present moment. What are we going to do with it today?

K: In chapter 12, you stopped me in my tracks when you asked “What sustains you when all else fails?” It’s such a powerful question with profound repercussions. What is your answer to that question today?

S: It’s still the present moment that sustains me. It’s that sense of it’s important for me to know, based on where I am right now, that I can make a choice to improve this specific moment in my life. I’m not powerless. I know I can choose my reaction or how I’m going to feel about something. What I would add today is that it’s also about being able to act in the present moment out of a sense of love instead of fear.

K: How do you currently Nudge yourself?

S: By staying open to what I’m truly thinking and feeling, who I truly am. There’s an active nudge of wanting to open myself through a nudge, then there’s staying open through meditation and foods that don’t block my inspiration and energy for living a fuller life. Oftentimes, we’re in situations that suppress deep, internal nudges: “Don’t do this because you’re A or B!” But your true self says, “Do THIS! It’s why you’re here!” I want to make sure the mirror is not cloudy so it can reflect back who I truly am, so I can make sure I am doing what I came here to do in the world.

 

The Healing: One Woman’s Journey from Poverty to Inner Riches by Saeeda Hafiz was released on July 17 and is now available on Amazon and at bookstores, in paperback and ebook formats. Saeeda will be making personal appearances through August. For more information, visit thehealingbysaeeda.com or saeedahafiz.com.

52+: For Inspiration

Kathleen WoodsIn the right column of this page there’s a small section titled “For Inspiration.” Here you’ll find books and websites, resources that have helped me come up with Nudges for myself or have inspired me in some way.

Today I added a book I finished reading over this past weekend: Aperitif: Recipes for Simple Pleasures in the French Style by Georgeanne Brennan with photographs by Kathryn Kleinman. If you started the 52Nudges with me a few months ago, you’ll remember one of the earliest tasks was to enjoy a beverage outside before dinner. (If you’re just joining in the fun, you can check out the post here.) I took about 15 minutes out of my day to transition from Work Mode to Dinner Mode, lower my blood pressure, and ease myself into a calm space so that I could get the most out of my evening. It’s a ritual I’d like to practice more regularly.

So what should come across my radar, but this book. Here’s what Ms. Brennan has written in the first page of the introduction:

Woven into the fabric of daily home life, of public and private celebrations, and of café and restaurant culture, l’apéritif is more than a drink before a meal. It is a national custom [in France] that, by deliberately setting apart time to share a drink and to socialize, engenders civility and conviviality.

If that doesn’t make you want to close up shop at a decent hour and treat yourself to something lovely, check out the accompanying photo:

I got about half way through my To Do list today, and there is a part of me that thinks I should work late. But the same thing will likely happen tomorrow and Wednesday and…. You know the story. Instead, I am going to practice what I preach and apply some of Ms. Brennan’s advice: a small glass of wine (or sparkling water with a slice of citrus), a bowl of California olives, a few minutes outside enjoying a lovely midsummer evening.

Cheers!

52+: A reply to my thank you note about character

Kathleen WoodsA few weeks ago I nudged myself to write a note celebrating someone’s character, specifically acknowledging how my friend Ellen rose above the ugliness of a difficult divorce and ultimately brought her extended family closer together. (See “Nudged: Send a note of appreciation for character/a quality”.) I did this Nudge to expand how I look at people and their contributions, and, in all selfishness, it felt really good to do it, to be part of a current of “good” in the world.

I wasn’t expecting a reply, I didn’t need one, which is why it was so fun to get an actual handwritten note in the mail this afternoon.

“Nobody has ever sent me a thank you note like this before,” Ellen wrote. “It was entirely unexpected and wonderful.”

She went on to point out that it was never her intention to be “noble”, simply “I did not want to be of afraid of the unknown or to become bitter and feel I’d wasted my life.” That certainly is powerful motivation to change how we respond to difficult situations.

She also made it clear that she did not do it alone, that it took each family member’s willingness to bravely stand up and move forward. “It took all of these players to turn it into what it has become.”

And I think that’s what I take away from this. The recognizing that we all have our parts to play, our contributions to make. Whether it’s an issue within a family or a company or a country, we can each make a difference and create ripples of positive change.

Sometimes it can start with a thoughtful note.

“Thank you for making me feel good about this,” Ellen wrote in her closing.

I have to say, I’m quite pleased with how this Nudge played out. 🙂